INSTANT EXPERTS - the latest news, explained by idiots

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This week, the Crooks, F*ckwits & Morons line up in their traditional 4-3-3 formation, as we celebrate the start of the world Festival of Fooootball:

    1.    Trump slips a fart past the keeper and a shart past the diaper in another explosive press conference! 

    2.    Meanwhile, NBC's attacking centre-mid Kristin Welker bamboozles the USA’s ageing right winger with confusingly simple questions about elections!

    3.    Dynasty sweeper-keeper Linda Evansyahu plays out from the back before declaring Total Football on The Colbys

    4.    And the hapless Wests Tigers slump to a 68-0 defeat - which is disastrous whether it’s soccer, rugby league, curling or hurling!

Grab the nachos, dip and a frosty can of Labatt’s as we review the form of all the key players: 

    •    Alexis Trumpington: this box-to-box midfielder runs one way then the other all day. Confident she’ll beat Iran for the 39th time this summer 

    •    Blake “The Ayatollah” Carrington: smooth as silk on his best days, this enigmatic performer tends to go missing in the big games  

    •    Keir Starmer: showed early promise but now unclear on his best position. Is it centre forward, left back - or do we need a replacement from the bench?

    •    Anthony Albanese: dour midfielder naively hoping for magic from Australia’s error-prone, deep-lying playmaker, JE Chalmers

    •    Anika Wells: Aussie Sports Minister looked a certain starter for The Socceroos before a breach of team protocol saw her left at home

It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we try to pick a winner from a whole bunch of losers: 

    •    Belfast tries radical Cup-eve tactics change with racial violence replacing traditional sectarian approach. Will the coach get knifed like that poor bastard on the street?

    •    Small child who witnessed repeated Wests Tigers slaughter misses the World Cup to go to Gaza for rehab: “I’d love to watch the pool stage - and Round 15 - but I need to focus on my recovery”

    •    Victorian State coach Jacinta Allan parks the bus with a 5 man backline of C, F, M, E and U, and just the one striker: a convicted child molester but hey, he was ALP Footballer of the Year

    •    Meanwhile NSW Premier Chris Minns is controversially left out of the episode after talking way too much common sense about the effects of excessive tax on revenue and the market for illegal tobacco 

All in the comedy podcast with the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee (Vic Dept of Families, Fairness & Housing on stress leave from that time they had to work in the office (10:04-1049am, Tues April 9, 2003))

Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au 

Or be heard everywhere from one part of West Sussex to another part of West Sussex with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page!: www.instantexperts.com.au  

All complaints to: stokesy@mbargo.co.uk - but only in business hours. Or at 2am.

Audio episode produced, mixed and compiled by Junior

Video episode designed, assembled and edited by the Guantanamo Babe
Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe 

Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Tallahassee Regional Airport Male Toilets Cubicle 7's Austin Franco (shh, don't tell him Honk's a k*ke!). 24/7 catering by Mohamed Skaf. 24/7 childcare by Cameron Bloomfield.
Thanks to Limestone Digital, Prague, for the proofreading
No thanks to that little Tigers shit with the Sharks fan sister for being the f*cking kiss of death

Full performance by Tony Award winner Joshua Henry of song from the musical 'Ragtime' on NPR's 'Tiny Desk' is here (starts at 16:23): https://youtu.be/1XQtMnPz1AQ?si=7lx0ogXLytfxdfGc&t=983  
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It's chaos aplenty this week, as the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons redouble their efforts!:

Trump headlines his “America 250” concert after Gary Glitter, Rolf Harris and Roman Polanski pull out citing ethics concerns 
Court orders JFK’s head replace Trump’s on both sides of new commemorative $250 bill
Aussie radio exec grabs presenter’s ass with a hunger not seen since our days on The Whaleship Essex; and
Vice Prostate BJ Vance loses bowel control at White House meet in preparation for 2028 Presidential run

Grab the remote and enjoy the greatest hits of Linda Evansyahu, Bret Michaels, Young (at heart) MC plus the solo debut of Millo Vanillo, as we review who did what, to whom, in which exotic location: 

Trump's “1776 Fund” dies an ugly death as Senate Republicans rise from the undead to kill it, Mitch McConnell presiding
Newly free Kilmar Abrego Garcia plans first holiday: "I can't decide between Robben Island, St Helena and Alcatraz!"
Jeff Bezos blows payload as his rocket explodes prematurely: "I couldn't warn the Caribbean Seamen!"
US National Intelligence Director Bill Pulte rejects qualification critics: "F..k off, I went to Scots College!"
I Once Met A Girl from Nantucket to hit big screen, OnlyFans - the moving love story of Donald Trump Jr. and Bettina WhoGivesAShitovich
Russia protests Ukraine bombing of St Petersburg: "They ruined Putin's visit to Davo's!" 

It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we explore the c*nts of the world, the C*nts of the Week and the exciting world of fooooooooootttballlll:
Our plucky Wests Tigers, with their $3 salary cap, lose NRL Rd 14 to Penrith Saint-Germain, a narrow 78-0. Can Qatar please buy us immediately?
English football hooligans hail North America ‘26 their best chance since ‘66 to glass the Scotsmen, stab the Mexicans, shiv the Brazilians. If only they can bomb the Croatians, shoot the Ghanaians, and drown the Panamanians first! 
And Henry needs a double Costco tequila shot to get through Honk’s morbidly grim C*nt of the Week 

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk & Henry Lee (UK Police delayed making sure Jack The Ripper's hands not too sore from stabbing all those homeless Whitechapel prostitutes) 

Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au 
Or be heard everywhere from Baden to Wurttemburg with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au 
All complaints to: tulsi@dgafnomo.gov.ru

Audio episode produced, mixed and compiled by Junior
Video designed, assembled and edited by Guantanamo Babe
Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe 
Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Halle Berry & Colonel Angus. Special thanks to Roger Maianus for the last-minute supply of his huge clock for timing purposes  

For Newcastle 2HD radio boss grabbing on air talent's butt: https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/radio/aussie-radio-boss-stood-down-after-allegedly-groping-employee-at-awards-night-in-sydney/news-story/b6c1945d3726e0668b5a1bee09d7c734?amp
For Florida woman's Costco tequila shots + accompanying social media comments: https://www.instagram.com/p/DY7kW11MOQG/?igsh=NXh4dmJ6YnhmNnho
For Germany's Hotel Zum Hirschen being Nazi c**ts: https://www.instagr am.com/p/DZHm05ZoD7I/
For Sterling Nasa being a legend at Sydney 'La La Land' live concert/screening: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2026/jun/01/audience-member-replaces-ill-keyboardist-sydney-la-land-justin-hurwitz

Instant Experts proudly audited by KPMG Australia. Our books can be found on the Dark Web between PwC’s tax advice and The Trump Family’s tax returns. Call them for all your confidential financial needs, unless you’re 8 in which case call Don Jr’s wife’s Dad and ask for Jeffrey

When visiting Nazi Germany, Honk & Henry stay exclusively at Hotel Zum Hirschen

When stuck overnight at Maroochydore Airport, Honk & Henry have booked exclusively with Jetstar

Don't miss 'Aussie' Jon Ossoff v Donaldhmed Ali for the WBC Nappyweight Championship live at 'America 250'!  (BJ 'Depends' Vance v 'Huggies' Pete Heggo on undercard)
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Video version is here!: https://youtu.be/XFiceVlIyXI
In this week’s tour of the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits & Morons, it’s State vs State and Mate vs Mate as: 

NSW Blues conjure miracle win against those dirty filthy cheating Queenslanders - they've been traumatising Henry since he was 7 years old!
Donald Trump Sr disses Donald Trump Jr by ditching his wedding in favour of doing actual work! - Holy Pertainment, Batman, are the Daddy issues that bad?
And dud Aussie Treasurer Jim Chalmers hits Aussies with a Kalyn Ponga-style no-arms, high-velocity head-butt/shoulder-charge right in the financial cranium! - “Where’s your eyes, Ref? OFF! OFF! OFF!”

Relax with 5 pints of Guinness at The Steam Packet Inn, Williamstown, or 4 steins of Pilsner at The Grand Duke Inn, Luxembourg, or even 2 jugs of milk at The Penelope Cruz Taverna, Madrid, while we unpack the biggest global news: 

Daylight robbery at the Australian Audio Awards as Instant Experts loses Best Station-Produced Infomercial to “We Fry Dogs” campaign on Cujo-FM

Confusion in Iran as the war drags on, off and on again, like late-period Bennifer or all-period Rudd-Gillard-Rudd or Albo-Chalmers-wait-sorry that's next year 

Chaos in Texas as Kenny Paxton mistakes Senate nomination form for his entry into C*nt of The Week

Plus Henry explains bonds, golf iron covers and the Centenary Test in the breeziest 9 hours of your life!

It's another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we explore the c*nts of the world, the C*nts of the Week and, for the first time ever, Enhanced C*nts so juiced they exceeded WADA Allowable C*ntiness Guidelines by 111%! They give Collingwood fans a bad name, and even Thomas Massie won’t read them into the record!

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk & Henry Lee (Sen Dr Bill Cassidy held up finding seat with best sightline at next WH Correspondents Dinner)

Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or be heard everywhere from Richmond on Thames to Riga which is in Latvia, with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: 
www.instantexperts.com.au  

All complaints to: ivegotcancer@yourefired.gov.us

Audio produced, compiled and mixed by Junior 

Video designed, compiled, edited by Guantanamo Babe 

Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe

Episode edited by Honk. Assistant editing by E. Jean Carroll. E. Jean Carroll assistant editing re-edited by Donald J Trump.

For Texas A-G Kenny Paxton's rap sheet: https://www.instagram.com/p/DY0xDWakVH9/?igsh=cTQ2YmNjcTcxdXg0&img_index=2

For C**t of the Week's pixilated doodle but visibly sh*t-soaked shorts: https://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/incidents/drunk-aussie-tourist-flashes-genitals-while-on-holiday-in-thailand/news-story/a258b116fbe67d1484ce165417c3bb2e

For the Amarillo Armadillo: www.eXtremeRestraints.com

When in Kiama, Honk and Henry stay exclusively at Blue Haven Bonaira Nursing Home. Mention our names for a special rate of only $39,000 a night* (*volunteer free concert not included)

Laura Loomer currently has political advisory capacity - "I hear she gives a great bl*wjob!" - J. Loomer (client)

James Magnusson explains awful Enhanced Games swim - "I had Arby's in my pants!"
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Video version here!: https://youtu.be/6g42KgVyH6o

In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons, we celebrate dodgy blokes stealing cash by the bushel!
President Trump sues himself, settles with himself, and pardons himself in one smooth motion! But don’t worry, the $1.776 billion only came from the departments fighting Ebola and the Hantavirus!
Aussie Treasurer Jim Chalmers taxes the farnarkle out of everybody only to discover it (a) don’t win no votes and (b) is really farking stupid!
Meanwhile Henry Lee lures his wife, and kids, into a sure-fire tax-free investment scheme called LOSING CASH WITH THE BOOKIES

Pull up a pew at the Pewsey Pub, Pewsey Inn, Pewsey Hotel, Pewsey Pint-Pourer, or just get away from it all at the Pewsey Microbrewery, and enjoy the show all of Pewsey, and Darwin, is talking about! Which is exactly 2 people: 
“Rare Unit” Trump goes to China and discovers “Rare Earth” Xi has more cards than a Heard Island Penguin has pilchards!

Mahmoud Ahmejinedad’s dismembered leg, citing balance issues, politely declines Israel’s offer to make him First Leg of all Persia! 

Todd Blanche signs off deal with Todd Blanche to compensate Todd Blanche for waking up every day and being Todd Blanche. A friendless crook who will rot in Hell!

And a flu-addled Honk dials in from his Cotswolds haven, Pee-in-the-Lake, en route to his Paris bolthole, Je-Suis-Un-Rockstar!

It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we explore the c*nts of the world, and the C*nts of the Week! Between Reform UK and Grave Robbers of Bondi it’s a smorgasbord of inanity, f*ckwittery and chicanery, hosted by your Donkeys-In-Chief, The Honk and Henry Lee. 
In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots (see immediately above)
Say hi to us by email at: gday@instantexperts.com.au
Or be heard everywhere from UConn to the Yukon with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page!: www.instantexperts.com.au  
All complaints to: saxophoneinthejungle@taiwanmatt.wtf?! Or just wait 6 months and ask for Xi
Audio produced, compiled and mixed by Junior 
Video designed, compiled, edited by Guantanamo Babe 
Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe
Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Dr Grace, WG Grace, Graceland, Grace Brothers, Grace Jones, and Grace is the Word (Is the Word), That You Heard (That You Heard), Grace is the Way that I’m Feeling (Do-Do-Do-Do) 
When in San Antonio, Maureen Galindo stays exclusively at County Mental Health Unit (construction generously supported by Menachem & Esther Leibowitz)
When in Pearl Harbour, Kash Patel wears exclusively the barnacled skull of Ensign Joe Harris (dec.), USS Arizona
Know someone struggling with gambling? The Honk did. His name was Henry Lee, still is, they're super close, co-host a show, so obviously Honk's a terrible person to ask.
Tommy Mengele's "Songs in the Key of P: Live at 'Unite the Kingdom' Rally" out soon! Single "Ayyeeeaoghh" out now! 
Don't miss Tommy on his world tour of Cockfosters Station (Matt from the Taiwanese jungle on saxophone in support! And ladies, he's newly single and ready to mingle!)
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For video version: https://youtu.be/I6m0bvl46EE
In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons...
It’s Aussie Budget week and our wallets are being fiscally harassed!:
Aus Treasurer Jim Chalmers describes two real naked tax increases as "intergenerational equity" - with a straight face!
JP Morgan's Chirayu Rana describes two fictional naked boobies as "intergender equity" - with nil in his story straight at all!
And in sport, the Wests Tigers harass their fans once again - with the softest performance since John Doe popped a roofie!
Pull up the Chesterfield sofa - or coal mine - and enjoy the show even Megyn Kelly says she "believes in, just a tiny bit", as:
PM Anthony Albanese channels Ronnie Biggs to nick a few hundred million from hard-working Aussies before fleeing to live anonymously in Copacabana (NSW). Next stop, Copacabana (Brazil)!
Jim Chalmers shifts the goalposts on young Australians while Golshifteh Farahani shifts the DMs, pants on Emmanuel Macron. Nous ne sommes pas amusés (Brigitte non plus)!
UK Conservative Leader Kemi Badenoch eviscerates Chalmers so hard he flees to the UK to live as a woman. On the downside, now he/she’s Chancellor of the Exchequer!
All in another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we explore the intricacies and intimacies of the Australian tax system, from negative gearing to capital gains tax... Bet that fishhead other pod you listen to don't have them cannons! 
In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee. (Jody Scarcella held up by pitchforks) 
Say hi to us by email at gday@instantexperts.com.au
Or be heard everywhere from Cockfosters to the Chattahoochee with a voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au
(Some Chattahoochees can even put a river in Phoenix!)
All complaints to: nigel@reformparty.gov.uk (press 1 for the racist, 2 for the Nazi, 3 for the other racist and 4 for the other Nazi). Or just come down to Heffron Park for the netball this weekend! 

Audio produced, mixed and compiled by Junior

Video designed, compiled and edited by The Guantanamo Babe 

Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Henry’s Harem: AOC, Eileen Gu, Kemi Badenoch, Megyn Kelly. The mind boggles, the list goes on... the authorities have been notified
Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe
Honk's skin care products all proudly provided free by Skinned Olives, Sydney, who don't know he's Jewish (shhh...!) - special thanks to H.Amas - you're a Queen! 
Watch or Listen anywhere! https://linktr.ee/instantexpertspodcast
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