On Attachment

If you've spent any amount of time in long-term relationships, you've likely experienced a relationship rut: a season where things feel a bit harder, less connected, and more conflict-ridden. And while it's perfectly normal for relationships to ebb and flow along with life, sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in this place for longer than we'd like.
In this episode, I'm sharing 5 tips for what you can do if you find yourself in a relationship rut. The focus is on things that are within your control — not because the relationship work is less important, but because I find it helps with creating fresh energy and momentum to feel like you can immediately take action to shift how you're feeling no matter what your partner is doing or not doing.
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How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode.
I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious patterns make needs feel so fraught and risky, and what it really takes to know what we need and stand firmly for our wellbeing in our relationships and beyond.
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If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships.
I talk about:
How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you stuck in your avoidance
Why your judgment of your partner's "neediness" is both unhelpful and revealing of your own suppressed emotions
How your emotions affect the relationship just as much as your partner's, albeit in different ways
The difference between being solely responsible for a partner's feelings and the reality of healthy interdependence
The importance of stretching beyond what is comfortable and natural if you want to grow

Links
Preorder my book, The Secure Self
Free resources on attachment healing
Follow me on Instagram

Preorder my book, The Secure Self
How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up.
We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don't make meaning out of it, and why focusing on what you can control (ie, your actions) is far more useful than trying to fight against your thoughts.
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Preorder my book, The Secure Self
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Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships. In this episode, I talk about why inconsistency feels so familiar, how we typically respond, and what it looks like to instead respond with self-respect and security.

Links
Preorder my book, The Secure Self
Free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment