Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

Most relationships, romantic or otherwise, tend to get stuck in predictable patterns of conflict. This episode is about how to resolve that conflict, and get things moving again. Dr. Rick and Forrest draw on Rick's decades of work with couples and families to talk about getting on the same team, healthy boundaries, making clear requests, differentiation, and the pursuer-distancer dynamic. The episode closes with Forrest and his fiancée, associate therapist Elizabeth Ferreira, on fixing versus feeling, and how they worked through it in their own relationship.

Key Topics:

00:00: Intro

01:30: What Rick wishes couples did differently

09:22: How to ask for what you want

16:36: Differentiation and family systems

28:33: When both people are right: content vs. tone

37:58: Why fighting can feel good

42:09: The pursuer-distancer dynamic

47:15: Resentment and requests about the future

55:33: Fixing vs. feeling with Elizabeth

1:06:59: Recap

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Forrest is joined by Dr. Ashley Mason, a clinical psychologist and sleep researcher at UCSF, to discuss Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia (CBT-I). They talk about what separates insomnia from a few rough nights, why people with insomnia sleep (on average) only a little less than everyone else but experience the night completely differently, how insomnia develops and what keeps it going, and the five pillars of CBT-I. Dr. Mason walks through what treatment looks like in practice: fixing your wake time, restricting time in bed, working with 2am thoughts, a surprisingly early caffeine cutoff, and why meditation apps in bed are a hard no.

About our guest: Dr. Ashley Mason is a clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychiatry at UC San Francisco, where she directs the Sleep, Eating, and Affect Lab and leads the insomnia treatment program at the UCSF Osher Center for Integrative Health.

Key Topics:

00:00: Introduction

03:43: What insomnia is, and why it’s not just about hours of sleep

14:06: How insomnia develops

20:40: Sleep hygiene, the five pillars of CBT-I, and caffeine

27:02: What treatment looks like: wake time and time in bed restriction

35:20: Sleep anxiety, tracking, and working with 2am thoughts

39:31: Sleep as a performance category, fear-mongering, and alcohol

46:00: Meditation apps, relaxation, and brain dumping

50:34: How well CBT-I works, and using heat for sleep and depression

1:03:26: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors

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In this second episode on self-acceptance, Forrest and Dr. Rick focus on how to accept the parts of ourselves we don’t like. They explain why "just love yourself more" rarely works, walk through a four-step process, and talk about why acceptance gets easier when you can set boundaries with yourself. They also cover accepting the “bad” parts of who we are, how to work with the persona you've built to get through life, and self-authorship: taking a hand in who you're becoming.

The Healing Link: In this new six-week live online course course, Rick will teach you how to use concepts from neuroscience to repair old wounds and change some of our most ingrained patterns. Learn more at RickHanson.com/Linking, and use promo code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro

3:31: If I accept myself, won't I get complacent?

10:01: Why "just love yourself more" doesn't work

14:36: Group 1: Authentic parts we don’t like

23:51: Boundaries with your own parts, and sticking up for them

32:07: Accepting the difficult stuff

41:01: Own it to regulate it: mean streaks and near enemies

45:49: Group 2: Working with the act

54:46: Self-authorship

1:01:02: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors

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Visit https://Rula.com/BEINGWELL to find affordable, high-quality therapy that’s actually covered by insurance.

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Self-acceptance gets recommended constantly, but are we really supposed to accept the parts of ourselves we don't like? Won’t that stop us from changing? Dr. Rick and Forrest discuss what self-acceptance is, what it isn't, and why it’s the starting point for real change. They share the four stages of competence (and why conscious incompetence is where learning stalls), the two escape hatches people take from it, why harsh self-criticism is a form of avoidance, and Rick's three circles model of the act, the scared self, and the being.

The Healing Link: In this new six-week live online course course, Rick will teach you how to use concepts from neuroscience to repair old wounds and change some of our most ingrained patterns. Learn more at RickHanson.com/Linking, and use promo code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.

Key Topics

0:00: Intro

3:04: What self-acceptance is (and isn't)

6:43: The four stages of competence

10:59: Two bad exits: "idiot" self-acceptance and excessive self-criticism

13:24: Critical self-acceptance: judge the behavior, not the self

22:13: The three circles: the act, the scared self, and the ‘being’

26:44: The two things people struggle to accept

32:27: Should you accept the act?

43:20: Being with, working with, and the two levels of acceptance

51:35: Recap

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Shame is one of the hardest emotions to work with, in part because it blocks what we need most when we’re feeling shame: self-compassion. Dr. Chris Germer, co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, joins Forrest to discuss how we can get around that trap. They talk about where shame comes from, how to recognize it when it’s hiding behind other emotions, and practical tools that help us experience less shame.

About our Guest: Chris Germer is a clinical psychologist, lecturer at Harvard Medical School, co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion program with Dr. Kristin Neff, and author of the new book Self-Compassion for Shame.

Key Topics:
0:00: Intro: shame, hiding, and why it blocks self-compassion
2:52: What shame is and why it hides
9:45: How self-compassion changes the inner voice
13:44: The arc of working with shame
18:05: Shame as an innocent emotion
22:57: Backdraft and the wish to be loved
29:50: Self-compassion as exposure
39:43: When people really do judge you
45:33: The "shrug"
47:56: Healthy shame, toxic shame, and the parts of you
58:48: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors

If you’re ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try SimplePractice. Start with a 7-day free trial, then get 50% off your first three months. Just go to https://SimplePractice.com to claim the offer.

Try Gusto today at https://gusto.com/BEINGWELL, and get three months free when you run your first payroll.

Get better sleep, backed by your own data. Go to https://OrionSleep.com/BEINGWELL for 15% off.
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