The Divorce Course Podcast

You left. So why doesn't it feel over yet?
🎧 Listen to this episode if…
•  You've left, but the healing and closure you expected haven't arrived yet
•  You can't tell which parts of your anxiety are trauma and which parts are just you
•  Your body still reacts even though it's been months or years
•  You're frightened of repeating the pattern with someone new
•  You're still second-guessing your own judgment and decisions
•  You want to know where to turn for support and what actually helps
Part six, the final episode of our coercive control series, is all about you. Clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova joins Mum and me on the trauma that stays in your body, the window of tolerance and how to widen it, the shark cage, why coercive control has been called a cult of one, and how long recovery really takes.
Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist.
⏱️ Episode Timeline
00:00 – Healing After Coercive Control: Getting Yourself Back
02:00 – Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning
03:00 – "Which Parts Are Trauma and Which Parts Are Me?"
05:00 – What Trauma Really Is: What Happens Inside You
06:00 – Complex Trauma vs One-Off Trauma Explained
08:00 – "My Body Is Still in the Trenches" a Year On
09:00 – The Window of Tolerance and Why Yours Narrowed
11:00 – Calming Your Nervous System in the Moment
12:00 – Widening the Window: Rest, Sleep and Movement
17:00 – Sensory Tools vs Daily Practices: What Helps Most
19:00 – Co-Regulation: Why You Heal Around Safe People
22:00 – "How Do I Trust My Own Judgment Again?"
24:00 – Trust Is Built in Small Increments, Not All at Once
26:00 – How Capable People End Up There More Than Once
28:00 – The Shark Cage: Building Your Own Protection
30:00 – Red Flags and Writing Your Own No-Go List
33:00 – Testing a New Partner and Knowing Your Alarm Bells
37:00 – Krasi's Research Call-Out: Share Your Experience
39:00 – "Will I Ever Understand Why He Did This?"
42:00 – Still Living by Their Rules: Coercive Control as a Cult of One
44:00 – Rebuilding Autonomy and Learning to Tolerate Guilt
48:00 – Untangling Self-Blame and "The Part I Played"
52:00 – How Long Does Recovery Actually Take?
54:00 – Post-Traumatic Growth and What Becomes Possible
59:00 – Where to Turn: Services That Can Actually Help
01:03:00 – Closing the Series and the Cushions
🎧 Episodes Mentioned
Ep 323 – Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-vs-a-bad-relationship-how-to-tell/id1503451022?i=1000774925805
Ep 324 – Coercive Control Separated Under One Roof https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-while-separated-under-one-roof-how/id1503451022?i=1000775886114
Ep 325 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/financial-abuse-and-coercive-control-when-money/id1503451022?i=1000776879697
Ep 326 – Coercive Control and Your Kids https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-and-your-kids-how-to-protect-your/id1503451022?i=1000777679728
Ep 330 – How Do I Prove Coercive Control? https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/how-do-i-prove-coercive-control-the-evidence-that/id1503451022?i=1000779988943
Ep 216 – The Post-Divorce Glow-Up https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-post-divorce-glow-up-steps-to-emotional-recovery/id1503451022?i=1000731905804
Ep 322 – Survival Mode in Divorce: 3 Anchors https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/survival-mode-in-divorce-3-anchors-to-steady-yourself/id1503451022?i=1000773944015
🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au  |  🎓 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
Krasi's research survey: https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel van der Kolk) | The Shark Cage (Ursula Benstead) | Emma Katz research | EMDR
If this episode helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast.

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
•  Your ex has said they will not discuss money until parenting is agreed
•  You are not sure whether to sort property or parenting first, or both together
•  You are separated under one roof and nothing is moving
•  You have been handed an offer with a 24-hour deadline and it feels like pressure
•  Your ex has suddenly started pushing hard for 50/50 after showing little interest
•  You are heading into mediation and want to know what to do if they ambush you
⚠️ Disclaimer & Support
General information only, not legal advice. Australian family law. Always get advice about your own situation.
This episode discusses coercive control and financial abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732. Lifeline 13 11 14.
Episode Summary
"I am not discussing property until parenting is sorted." It sounds like a rule. It is not.
Mum and I unpack whether the order matters, where property and parenting really overlap, the time limits you cannot miss, and the eight stalling tactics we are seeing right now – the hostage swap, the circle walk, the 50/50 care play, the disclosure drip, the attrition strategy, the mediation ambush, the generosity trap and weaponised urgency. Plus the interim property distribution most self-represented people have never heard of.
⏱️ Episode Timeline
00:00 – Property or Parenting First? Why Your Ex Wants to Control the Order
02:00 – Where Property and Parenting Actually Collide
04:00 – Why Some Exes Insist on Parenting First
06:00 – When Stalling Becomes Coercive Control and Economic Abuse
07:00 – Property Time Limits: De Facto vs Married Explained
09:00 – Can You Run Property and Parenting Together? Yes
11:00 – Mediation, 60I Certificates and Doing Both at Once
12:00 – Is There Any Good Reason to Keep Them Separate?
15:00 – "Who Died and Made Them Boss?" Taking Back Control
17:00 – Dirty Trick 1: The Hostage Swap
18:00 – The Line That Shuts It Down: "That's Not the Law"
20:00 – The Power Imbalance Test You Can Do Today
22:00 – Dirty Trick 2: The Circle Walk
23:00 – Interim Property Distribution: The Real Circuit Breaker
26:00 – Dirty Trick 3: The 50/50 Care Play
29:00 – Dirty Trick 4: The Disclosure Drip and Section 71B
31:00 – Dirty Trick 5: The Attrition Strategy and Wearing You Down
34:00 – Dirty Trick 6: The Mediation Ambush
36:00 – Filing in Court: Why the Registrar Changes Everything
38:00 – Dirty Trick 7: The Generosity Trap
40:00 – Dirty Trick 8: Weaponised Urgency and Fake Deadlines
42:00 – Sequencing by Personality Type: Which Order Suits Which Ex
44:00 – Rapid Fire: Your Biggest Property and Parenting Questions
47:00 – Rapid Fire for People Already in Court
50:00 – The Double-Sided Cushion: Your Two Sticky Notes
🎧 Episodes Mentioned
Episode 213 – The Hidden Connection: Custody Battles & Property Splits in Divorce
https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/the-hidden-connection-custody-battles-property-splits/id1503451022?i=1000728151220
Episode 191 – What Your Lawyer Might Forget to Tell You: Unlocking Funds Before Property Settlement Is Final
https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/what-your-lawyer-might-forget-to-tell-you-unlocking/id1503451022?i=1000702792838
Episode 218 – Business Tricks in Divorce: 10 Sneaky Tactics to Watch Out For and Outsmart
https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/business-tricks-in-divorce-10-sneaky-tactics-to-watch/id1503451022?i=1000733969897
Links & Resources
🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au  |  🎓 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
Family Law Act 1975 – s 60CC, s 71B, s 79  |  Federal Circuit and Family Court – www.fcfcoa.gov.au
If this episode helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast.
All our best,
Laura & Lyn
Your Guides By Your Side
Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

You know it was abuse. But written down, each moment sounds small. This is the episode about proving it.
Part 5 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova. Mum and I work through your questions on affidavits, evidence, police reports and what the family court is actually looking for.
LISTEN IF YOU...
- Have kept notes for a year and worry they sound petty
- Have been told by a lawyer that coercive control does not matter
- Reported to police and were dismissed because there was no stalking or tracking
- Are writing an affidavit and do not know what to include
- Are still being controlled through emails, handovers and admin after final orders
- Are terrified of going back to court
This is general information, not legal or psychological advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent advice.
This episode discusses coercive control, family violence, financial abuse and sexual betrayal. If you are in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.
00:00 - Explaining Coercive Control When No One Believes You
01:00 - Series Recap and Meet Clinical Psychologist Krasi Kirova
02:30 - Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning
03:50 - Stacy: How Do I Make My Notes Matter in Court?
06:00 - Why Each Incident Sounds Petty: The Puzzle Piece Problem
07:00 - Death by a Thousand Cuts: Proving Cumulative Harm
09:30 - When the Judge Spots the Pattern Themselves
10:30 - What Courts Look For: Coercive Control and the Property Pool
14:00 - Your Affidavit Is the Proof, So You Have to Say It
14:20 - Anonymous: Should Infidelity Go in My Affidavit?
18:00 - DARVO Explained: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
19:00 - Win: Can I Use Voice Memos and Home Security Footage?
21:40 - Legal Gatekeeping: When Your Lawyer Says It Does Not Matter
26:00 - How to Change Lawyers Mid-Case Without the Confrontation
28:00 - Katina: The Police Dismissed My Coercive Control Report
30:00 - The Empower You App and Finding a Station That Listens
33:20 - Roberta: Protection Orders When He Explains Everything Away
35:00 - Why Criminal, DV and Family Courts Do Not Talk to Each Other
37:00 - Samantha: Post-Separation Control After Final Orders
41:40 - Grey Rock, Escalation and When to Get a Risk Assessment
43:30 - Coercive Control Versus Ordinary Co-Parenting Conflict
46:30 - Admin Burden as Control: Fix It in Your Parenting Orders
50:00 - Jenna: When His Lawyer Becomes the Mouthpiece
54:00 - Lee: Fear of Court and a Teenager Who Will Not Visit
58:00 - Court Fear Is the Last Hook They Have Left
01:00:00 - Gina: What Evidence Is Actually Enough?
01:02:00 - Thresholds: Therapist Versus Police Versus Family Court
01:04:00 - The Marathon Analogy: Kicked, Then Blamed for Slowing Down
01:06:00 - Never Stop Documenting Until the Behaviour Stops
01:12:00 - The Magistrate Who Knew What Coercive Control Was
01:14:30 - Krasi's Conference Talk and Next Week: Healing
EPISODES MENTIONED
DARVO in the Family Court - https://youtu.be/pRMOfozwBKs?si=-YgsXkz8ybMB_lkr
Documenting Coercive Control - https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=SY_8UNT5puZ7Uj_F
Reporting to Police, Step by Step - https://youtu.be/s7vH5a9y7cA?si=sm1ReJaVxsvqKlNS
1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Police - 000 (immediate danger)
The Divorce Course - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
The Divorce Course Podcast - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
Empower You app - free documentation app run by NSW Police
Krasi Kirova - clinical psychologist and board-approved supervisor
Share your experience anonymously for Krasi's conference talk: [LINK]
If this episode helped you understand how to prove coercive control, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

Are you about to separate and have absolutely no idea what happens to the house? Do you keep it? Do you sell it? Do you have to be the one who leaves? And what happens to the mortgage?
🎧 Listen to this episode if…
- You don't know whether you can keep the house or have to sell it, The mortgage is in both names and you're panicking about who pays it, You've been told that if you move out, you lose your claim to the house, Your ex is stalling, sabotaging the sale, or refusing to sign anything, You want to keep the kids in the same home and the same school, You're heading into mediation and need to know your options
⚠️  not legal advice. This reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent legal advice.
Discussions of financial and economic abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.
00:00 – What Happens to the House When You Separate?
01:10 – Net Equity Explained: What the House Is Really Worth
02:05 – No Special Rule Book, With One Exception: Housing the Children
03:45 – Does Someone Have to Move Out to Be Separated?
05:05 – Myth Busted: Moving Out Doesn't Lose You the House
06:20 – When Your Ex Runs the House Down Before the Valuation
07:10 – Who Pays the Mortgage? Spousal Maintenance Explained
09:30 – Financial Abuse and Section 4AB of the Family Law Act
09:55 – Do You Have to Sell the House If You Separate?
10:45 – Working Out What the House Is Actually Worth
12:10 – How Assets Get Balanced: The Caravan Example
13:15 – Your Options: Keep It, Sell It, or Hold It Jointly
14:35 – Falling Prices, Negative Equity and Bidding at Auction
16:50 – Keeping the House: The Step-by-Step Process
17:20 – Why the Order Comes First: The Stamp Duty Exemption
19:20 – How to Work Out the Buyout Figure
21:30 – Can You Actually Afford It? See a Mortgage Broker
23:15 – Why Every Consent Order Needs a Backup Plan
24:50 – Kids and the House: Does It Give You an Edge?
26:20 – Expensive Suburbs, School Catchments and Staying Put
28:35 – The Tarzan Principle: Getting to the Next House
31:40 – Should You Buy a New House Before Settlement?
34:20 – Selling Together When You Can Barely Speak
35:25 – Staging, "Sold As Is" and Missing Kitchens
38:10 – Choosing a Real Estate Agent You Both Agree On
39:25 – Court Orders to Sell and Holding Funds in Trust
42:25 – When Your Ex Sabotages the Sale
47:40 – The High-Conflict Ex and the House
49:15 – The Avoidant Ex and Avoidant-Proof Orders
51:20 – The Manipulative Ex and Delay Tactics
52:50 – Amicable? Don't Rely on a Handshake
54:40 – Don't Let Buyers Know It's a Divorce Sale
55:55 – When Your Ex Won't Sign: Section 106A Explained
57:20 – What It Costs to Go to Court Over the House
59:00 – A Home Is Just a House: The Emotional Side
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
What Happens With the Mortgage https://youtu.be/8yNEHlHC-JE?si=hCyc9PcxW3BbTUDd
Inheritances https://youtu.be/FKK6NIU4sEk?si=oAOCl-INyhnvO_M0
I Really Want to Keep the House https://youtu.be/sblG_qVXhG4?si=ydHgafJTRDRr6g74
Selling the House https://youtu.be/kd9MUMeKaKQ?si=dTTugpHus_6Qe7oF
📖 FULL SHOW NOTES, including every case, section and resource mentioned in this episode: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7) 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🚓 Police – 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Family Law Act 1975 – s79(5) and s90SM (housing the children), s4AB (family violence and economic abuse), s90 (stamp duty relief), s106A (registrar signing documents).
If this episode helped you please follow, rate, review, and share so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

🎧 LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IF…
• You're parenting a child with autism, ADHD or suspected neurodivergence through a separation
• You don't know how to tell a literal thinker that their parents are splitting up
• Changeover is falling apart and your child refuses to go to the other house
• Your ex denies the diagnosis, blocks therapy, or says "they're perfect at my place"
• You need the court to understand what your child's daily needs actually look like
• You're heading into a family report and you're dreading it
• You're burnt out, doing all the appointments, and wondering if you've ruined your child
Does the family court actually consider your child's neurodivergence when making parenting orders? What happens when your ex tells the lawyer your child doesn't have special needs at all? And can week-about ever work for a child who falls apart at every changeover?
In this episode, Mum and I are joined by Amanda Lee – an autistic mum of autistic daughters, a qualified Montessori educator, parenting coach and registered counsellor who has also been through the family court herself. Amanda works with neurodiverse families navigating burnout, relationship breakdown and separation, and she brings both the qualifications and the lived experience.
⏱️ EPISODE TIMELINE
00:00 – Neurodivergent Kids and Divorce: What You Need to Know
01:01 – Meet Amanda Lee: Autistic Mum, Counsellor and Parenting Coach
03:22 – What's Actually Different for a Neurodivergent Child?
04:56 – Does the Family Court Need a Formal Diagnosis?
06:17 – How to Tell a Neurodivergent Child You're Separating
10:09 – Warning Signs Your Child Isn't Coping After Separation
13:59 – You Haven't Ruined Your Child: The Skills They're Building
14:32 – Documenting Your Child's Behaviour for the Family Court
15:27 – Transitions and Two Homes: Making Changeover Easier
20:04 – One Safe Person, One Safe Place: How to Parallel Parent
22:06 – When Your Child Refuses to Go to the Other House
22:58 – How to Write Observations That Hold Up as Evidence
26:00 – Free Checklists at The Divorce Course
27:09 – When Your Ex Won't Take the Kids to Therapy or OT
28:00 – The Ex Who Denies the Diagnosis: Talk About Behaviour Instead
30:24 – Masking, the Fawn Response and "Perfect at Dad's"
33:08 – Telling the School and Building Your Support Team
36:24 – "Therapeutic Purposes Only" Counselling Orders Explained
37:07 – How the Family Court Considers Neurodiversity
38:15 – NDIS Plans, Affidavits and a Day in the Life
40:02 – Choosing a Family Report Writer Who Gets Neurodivergence
41:00 – Preparing Your Child for the Family Report Interview
44:10 – Coaching Accusations and How to Avoid Them
46:15 – When Parents Can't Agree on Medical or Therapy Decisions
49:04 – Therapy Costs, Property Settlement and Child Support
51:05 – Support After 18: Adult Child Maintenance Explained
53:06 – Parental Burnout and the "Good Enough Parent" Standard
56:49 – Where to Find Amanda Lee
 
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
• At What Age Can Children Decide Where They Live? –https://youtu.be/hUCh0Nzw0wM?si=3jLmbSGESM3ziQYq
• What Is a Family Report? What to Expect on the Day –https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/family-reports-in-your-divorce/id1503451022?i=1000475552908
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Amanda Lee – Amanda Lee Consulting – amandaleeconsulting.com | Amanda Lee Consulting on Facebook & Instagram
Understanding Zoe app – shared practitioner notes for your child's support team (may be fundable through NDIS)
Teeny Tiny Stevies – ABC Kids / ABC iview (the goodbye-song idea)
Videos for children about the family court – fcfcoa.gov.au
Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) s 60CC – best interests of the child
Family Law Amendment Act 2023 – parental responsibility and joint decision-making changes, in force May 2024
Services Australia – Child Support change of assessment (special circumstances)
NDIS – ndis.gov.au
 
LINKS & RESOURCES
🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
✅ Free checklists (mediation, disclosure, word salad, read a letter like a pro, before you go) – free resources section at www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
 
SUPPORT
📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14
🚓 Police – 000 (immediate danger)
 
🛟 Content warning: this episode touches on high-conflict separation, post-separation abuse, and parents who deny a child's needs.
 
⚠️ This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.
 
If this episode helped you feel less alone in parenting a neurodivergent child through separation, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.
All our best,
Laura & Lyn
Your Guides By Your Side
Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST