The Divorce Course Podcast

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
• You've been told your property pool is "too big" or "too small" to bother negotiating
• You're weighing up whether to accept an offer or go to court, and it doesn't feel fair
• You're a stay-at-home parent worried about how you'll manage on a small settlement
• Your ex keeps saying "just go get a job" and you don't know if the court sees it that way
• You're stuck arguing over a percentage and not sure if the fight is worth the cost
• You want to understand future needs adjustments before you sit down at mediation
⚠️ Legal Disclaimer
This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction (some rules differ in WA). Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.
Episode Summary
You may have been told that because your property pool is very big, or very small, the usual rules don't apply to you. Maybe you're trying to decide whether to accept an offer that doesn't feel fair, or whether it's even worth going to court at all. This one's for you.
Mum and I unpack how the size of your property pool changes the way settlement negotiations and decisions play out. The family law framework is always the same – the four steps a court works through don't move – but two of those steps, current and future circumstances (what we used to call "future needs") and that final just-and-equitable check, can look very different depending on whether you're splitting five million or fifty thousand.
We talk through why big pools often see smaller future-needs adjustments (because there's plenty to go around), why small pools can see much larger ones (because every dollar counts), and the one habit that will save you years of stress: stop arguing over percentages and start looking at what those percentages are actually worth in real dollars. Mum also explains the Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) court track for smaller matters, why superannuation isn't the same as cash in your hand, and why drawing that legal line under your relationship matters even when there's "hardly anything" to divide.
⏱️ Episode Timeline
00:00 – Big or Small Property Pool? Why It Matters
01:00 – The Legal Disclaimer & What Stays the Same for Everyone
01:20 – The Four Steps: What Never Changes in a Settlement
02:00 – What Counts as a Large Property Pool?
02:40 – Big Pools: Why Future Needs Adjustments Shrink
04:40 – Standard of Living: What the Court Will and Won't Do
06:30 – Small Pools: Why Adjustments Can Be Much Bigger
07:30 – Percentages vs Real Dollars: The Mindset Shift
09:00 – Is That 10% Worth Going to Court For?
12:20 – Don't Forget Superannuation vs Cash
14:00 – Stay-at-Home Parents, Earning Capacity & Retraining
17:20 – "Is a Small Pool Even Worth It?" The Myth
18:30 – Why Drawing a Legal Line Protects Your Future
21:40 – The Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) Explained
23:30 – Normal-Sized Pools: Follow the Usual Rules
25:50 – Show Me the Money: Look at Dollars, Not Percentages
26:40 – You Are Capable: A Message of Hope
 
1. Should I Settle or Go to Court? (10 Questions to Ask Yourself)
Referenced when discussing how to decide whether the fight is worth it.
2. Property: Why You Shouldn't Negotiate Percentages
Referenced when discussing arguing over what "50/50" actually means in dollars.
📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14
🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)
🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
• Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) — the streamlined court track for matters with net assets under $500,000 (excluding super). Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au
• Family Law Act 1975 – s 79 (property, married) / s 90SM (de facto): https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s79.html

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
- You've left a coercively controlling relationship and your biggest fear is what it will do to your kids
- You're wondering why your children can't see the abuse, or seem to side with the controlling parent
- Your ex uses the kids as messengers or feeds them misinformation
- You're worried about being accused of "parental alienation" for parenting differently
- You're navigating parenting plans, orders or supervised time with a high-conflict ex
⚠️ This podcast is general information only not legal advice. Australian family law discussed. Always consult a qualified family lawyer.
🛟 This episode discusses coercive control and family violence. In danger? Call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.
In Part 4 of our Coercive Control Series, Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer your questions about coercive control, children and co-parenting. Plus the legal side – affidavits, family reports, Section 61DAB, loophole-proof orders, whether the court listens to a 14-year-old, and why supervised time working isn't a reason to rush to unsupervised.
⏱️ CHAPTERS
00:00 – Coercive Control and Kids: Every Parent's Biggest Fear
02:00 – How Coercive Control Affects Children (Including Adult Children)
04:00 – Research: Coercive Control Harms Kids Like Physical Violence
08:00 – Why Children Can't See the Abuse: The Loyalty Bind
10:00 – Does the Family Court Recognise the Impact on Children?
11:00 – The Problem With Family Reports
13:00 – Naming Coercive Control in Your Affidavit
14:00 – When Kids Are Used as Messengers
15:00 – Why Protective Parenting Is Double Duty
18:00 – Dr Emma Katz: Build the Opposite of the Coercive Regime
21:00 – Teaching Kids Emotion Regulation and Assertiveness
24:00 – Why Normal Co-Parenting Advice Doesn't Apply Here
26:00 – Making Your Home Non-Porous
27:00 – Alienation Accusations vs Parenting Differently
29:00 – Bombarding Messages: Why You Can Ignore Them
31:00 – Section 61DAB: Your Day-to-Day Parenting Decisions
32:00 – Manipulation and Misinformation: Correcting the Record
37:00 – The "Adult Matters" Myth in Family Court
38:00 – When Kids Side With the Controlling Parent
43:00 – How to Tell the Kids You're Divorcing
48:00 – Best Books to Help Children Through Coercive Control
52:00 – Krasi's Message to Every Protective Parent
55:00 – Helping Kids Heal When They Won't Open Up
60:00 – Parenting Plans With a Narcissistic Ex: 50/50 Traps
62:00 – Loophole-Proof Orders: Why "As Agreed" Needs a Default
65:00 – Will the Court Listen to a 14-Year-Old?
67:00 – Parental Alienation: What the UN Report Says
69:00 – The Gillick Test: Teens Accessing Psychological Support
70:00 – Sudden 50/50 Demands and Recording Phone Calls
72:00 – Supervised Time: Why Good Behaviour Isn't Evidence
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
Part 1 – Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship:  https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Blmekx03XEJIzshzS3glJ
Part 2 – Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000775886114
Part 3 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control: When Money Becomes the Weapon https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000776879697
The Parenting Order Loopholes Your Ex Will Exploit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBZYy44FhPY
Can Kids Decide Where They Live? How Children's Wishes Count https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000771958744
🔗 RESOURCES
Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist – https://kirovapsychology.com.au
Krasi's feedback form for survivors – https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
Books: The Big Bag of Worries | Every Moment of Every Day (Christine Cuccio) | The Sky Is Red and My Boundary Balloons (Tyra Schwartz) | I Can (Natasha Harris)
Family Law Act 1975 – s60CC and s61DAB
🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
Your ex is using money to punish or control you in divorce proceedings
Your ex is stalling the settlement, ignoring emails, or pressuring you to sign before you're ready
You've been told it "couldn't really be financial abuse" because you earned your own money or had access to the accounts
Your partner refused to work or quietly drained joint funds
Your lawyer suggested leaving coercive control out of your settlement 
You need the courage to name what happened
⚠️ Legal Disclaimer
This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer. Laws may have changed since recording.
🛟 Family Violence Trigger Warning
This episode discusses coercive control and financial abuse. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).
Lyn a Family Lawyer and I are joined again by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer your questions about financial abuse the part of coercive control that hides inside bank accounts, businesses, superannuation and settlement negotiations.
Krasi breaks down the three faces of economic abuse – control, employment sabotage and economic exploitation – and Mum covers what Section 4AB of the Family Law Act actually says, what evidence courts look for when the abuse happened behind closed doors, and how to find the courage to name it.
00:00 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control: Was It Really Abuse?
03:00 –  Financial Abuse When You're the Breadwinner
04:00 – The 3 Types of Economic Abuse: Control, Sabotage, Exploitation
08:00 –  My Husband Won't Work – Is This Coercive Control?
12:00 – Secret Accounts and Hidden Spending
15:00 – "I Learned to Stop Asking Questions" – Control Through Consequences
16:00 – Section 4AB Family Law Act: Financial Abuse Is Coercive Control
17:00 – The Avoidant Ex and Post-Separation Abuse
19:00 – When Courts Award More: The 14% Adjustment for Coercive Conduct
21:00  He Won't Accept the Separation
23:00 –  Proving Subtle Coercive Control in Court
24:00 – What Evidence Family Courts Actually Need (It's Not Criminal Proof)
27:00 – Making Your Story Live for the Judge: Notes, Dates, Chronology
29:00 – The Three Ds Framework: Demeaning, Disempowerment, Distortion
31:00 –Proving Covert Control and Narrative Isolation
39:00 – Trying Hard's Question: Pressured to Sign the Settlement Too Soon
43:00 – Alex's Question: When Your Ex Uses Adult Kids to Pressure You
46:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Experience for the Psychology Conference
48:00 – Samantha's Question: My Lawyer Said to Leave Coercive Control Out
52:00 – Spousal Maintenance Years After Separation: What Courts Consider
54:00 – Gretchen's Question: When the Ex's Lawyers Play Coercive Games
55:00 – Miss Resilient: Private School Fees, Child Support and Spiteful Neglect
59:00 – Next Week: Coercive Control, the Children and Co-Parenting
60:00 – Jesse and Sandy: Finding the Courage to Name the Abuse
61:00 – The Lighthouse Program and Evatt List: Extra Safeguards in Court
65:00 – The Domestic Violence Pendulum: You Will Find Your Voice
📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14

🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Krasi's free Three Ds handout - https://kirovapsychology.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/3Ds-Handout-1.pdf
Krasi's Psychology Conference questionnaire  https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof: How to Survive It | The Divorce Course Podcast (Part 2)
🎧 LISTEN IF YOU…
• Are separated but still stuck under one roof
• Were told you "can't leave" without a parenting plan
• Suspect you're being watched through cameras, phone or car
• Are scared to move money or make a move
• Want to plan a safe exit and set real boundaries
⚠️ General education only — not legal or psychological advice. Discusses coercive control, financial & tech abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.
Part 2 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova and Family Law Specialist Lyn Galvin, all about surviving it while you're still in it.
00:00 – Separated but Stuck Under One Roof: You're Not Alone
01:00 – Six-Part Series, Guest Krasi Kirova & How to Send Questions
02:00 – Meet Krasi Kirova & Lyn Galvin
03:00 – Legal & Family Violence Disclaimer
04:00 – Does Coercive Control Continue After Separation? (Sally's Question)
05:00 – The Three Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion
06:00 – Why They Won't Move Out — The New Under-One-Roof Tactic
07:00 – Is Separation Under One Roof Required? Davis & Davis (Sarah's Question)
08:00 – "Can You Make Them Leave?" + When Your Ex Makes Up the Law
10:00 – DARVO Explained + Why Placating Doesn't Work (Nini's Question)
12:00 – How to Prove Escalating Abuse + Judges Are Trained
13:00 – Chronologies as Evidence + The Three-Year "Separation" Trap (Anonymous)
15:00 – The Stuck Feeling Is Entrapment — You Can Leave Without a Plan
17:00 – Cameras, Doorbells & Surveillance In Your Own Home (Loans' Question)
19:00 – Tech-Facilitated Abuse: 70% Is Everyday Tech + The Omnipresence Effect
20:00 – Is My Car Being Tracked? AirTags, Apps & What to Do (Marie's Question)
22:00 – Removing Tech Safely: Order Matters, Sweepers & Bluetooth
24:00 – When Your Ex Uses the Kids to Spy (She Bear's Question)
26:00 – Talking to Your Child About Privacy + Family Reports
28:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Voice for the Psychology Conference
31:00 – Moving Money Without Awakening the Bear (JT's Question)
33:00 – Getting Your Ducks in a Row: The Safest Way to Leave
36:00 – 21 Years In — How Do I Announce I'm Leaving? (Tash's Question)
37:00 – The Shark Analogy: Why "Nicely" Doesn't Change the Reaction
38:00 – "You Moved Money Without My Consent" — Financial Control (Jessie's Question)
40:00 – Boundaries vs Buffers: Why Boundaries Can Backfire (Anonymous)
44:00 – Parenting Apps, Grey Rocking & the Three Anchors
45:00 – Legal Abuse, Comeuppance & the 14% Uplift Case
46:00 – Intervention Orders + A House-Sharing Idea for the Stuck
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
Can You Make Them Leave? — https://youtu.be/_XAG5c1hOkU
Tech-Facilitated Abuse (WESNET SafetyNet Australia) — https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k
The Three Anchors with Sonia Bestulic — https://youtu.be/aHULu7ffPj4
Capturing Coercive Control in an Affidavit — https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw
🔗 RESOURCES
1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000
The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Free Before-You-Go Checklist & Tech App Worksheet — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Share your voice for Krasi's conference (anonymous) — https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
Tech safety — https://techsafety.org.au
Davis & Davis [1984] — the case confirming it's unreasonable to expect separated people to live under one roof
If this episode helped you, please follow, rate, review and share so others stuck under one roof can find it too. Next week: Coercive Control & Financial Abuse.

Listen to this episode if…
You keep asking yourself "is it me, or are they controlling?"

The examples online always sound more extreme than what you're living

You're walking on eggshells but second-guessing whether you're allowed to feel that way

You've been told to "just set boundaries" but it only seems to make things worse

You want to understand coercive control from both a psychological and a family-law angle

Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Warning
This is general education – not legal advice or a psychological diagnosis. It discusses coercive control and abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14.
Episode Summary
"Is it me, or are they controlling?" That question ran under almost every message you sent in – so we turned it into a six-part series, and this is Part 1. Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer the one nearly everyone asked: is this really coercive control?
Krasi shares her three Ds (disrespect, disempowerment, distortion), explains why coercive control is a pattern and a function rather than a list of behaviours, and how good qualities like compromise and empathy get weaponised. Lyn explains how family law treats coercive control differently from the criminal courts.
00:00 – Is It Me, or Are They Controlling?
03:30 – What Best Illustrates Coercive Control? 
04:30 – The Restaurant Metaphor: Pattern, Not a Checklist
06:00 – The 3 Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion
07:30 – Psychology vs Family Law: Section 4AB
09:00 – Family Court vs Criminal Court: Different Tests
10:00 – When You Lose Sight of What's Reasonable 
12:00 – How Compromise & Empathy Get Weaponised
13:00 – When Your Ex Wasn't As "Extreme" as the Examples 
16:00 – Is Anger & Yelling Coercive Control? 
18:00 – Can It Exist Without Financial Control?
19:00 – Repeated Pressure & Monopolised Decisions (
22:00 – Stonewalling, Delay & Deflection 
25:30 – The PA Dynamic & Exploitation 
28:00 – Needy or Controlling? How to Tell the Difference
30:00 – Blame-Shifting, DARVO & Perspecticide
33:00 – Infidelity, Guilt & Trying to Leave 
39:00 – Silent Treatment as Punishment 
43:00 – Why He Does Less When You're Sick 
45:00 – Emotional Abuse vs Coercive Control
47:30 – Can the Main Breadwinner Be Controlled?
53:00 – Why Do They Do It? Can Survivors Heal? 
58:00 – The Anxious, Controlling Attachment Style & 
Have Your Say – Krasi's Conference Call-Out
📌 Have your say: Krasi is presenting on coercive control at the Australian National Psychology Conference. Share what you wish psychologists and therapists understood – anonymously, with optional audio. Link in the show notes. Entry form  https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
 Resources
The 3 Ds of Coercive Control – the deep-dive episode with Krasi.https://youtu.be/bRmLZBRs--o?si=YZ1951oDofDe_lw7
1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

Section 4AB, Family Law Act 1975 – definition of family violence

Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist

If this helped you start to name what you've been living, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find it too.