The Divorce Course Podcast

You know it was abuse. But written down, each moment sounds small. This is the episode about proving it.
Part 5 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova. Mum and I work through your questions on affidavits, evidence, police reports and what the family court is actually looking for.
LISTEN IF YOU...
- Have kept notes for a year and worry they sound petty
- Have been told by a lawyer that coercive control does not matter
- Reported to police and were dismissed because there was no stalking or tracking
- Are writing an affidavit and do not know what to include
- Are still being controlled through emails, handovers and admin after final orders
- Are terrified of going back to court
This is general information, not legal or psychological advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent advice.
This episode discusses coercive control, family violence, financial abuse and sexual betrayal. If you are in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.
00:00 - Explaining Coercive Control When No One Believes You
01:00 - Series Recap and Meet Clinical Psychologist Krasi Kirova
02:30 - Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning
03:50 - Stacy: How Do I Make My Notes Matter in Court?
06:00 - Why Each Incident Sounds Petty: The Puzzle Piece Problem
07:00 - Death by a Thousand Cuts: Proving Cumulative Harm
09:30 - When the Judge Spots the Pattern Themselves
10:30 - What Courts Look For: Coercive Control and the Property Pool
14:00 - Your Affidavit Is the Proof, So You Have to Say It
14:20 - Anonymous: Should Infidelity Go in My Affidavit?
18:00 - DARVO Explained: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
19:00 - Win: Can I Use Voice Memos and Home Security Footage?
21:40 - Legal Gatekeeping: When Your Lawyer Says It Does Not Matter
26:00 - How to Change Lawyers Mid-Case Without the Confrontation
28:00 - Katina: The Police Dismissed My Coercive Control Report
30:00 - The Empower You App and Finding a Station That Listens
33:20 - Roberta: Protection Orders When He Explains Everything Away
35:00 - Why Criminal, DV and Family Courts Do Not Talk to Each Other
37:00 - Samantha: Post-Separation Control After Final Orders
41:40 - Grey Rock, Escalation and When to Get a Risk Assessment
43:30 - Coercive Control Versus Ordinary Co-Parenting Conflict
46:30 - Admin Burden as Control: Fix It in Your Parenting Orders
50:00 - Jenna: When His Lawyer Becomes the Mouthpiece
54:00 - Lee: Fear of Court and a Teenager Who Will Not Visit
58:00 - Court Fear Is the Last Hook They Have Left
01:00:00 - Gina: What Evidence Is Actually Enough?
01:02:00 - Thresholds: Therapist Versus Police Versus Family Court
01:04:00 - The Marathon Analogy: Kicked, Then Blamed for Slowing Down
01:06:00 - Never Stop Documenting Until the Behaviour Stops
01:12:00 - The Magistrate Who Knew What Coercive Control Was
01:14:30 - Krasi's Conference Talk and Next Week: Healing
EPISODES MENTIONED
DARVO in the Family Court - https://youtu.be/pRMOfozwBKs?si=-YgsXkz8ybMB_lkr
Documenting Coercive Control - https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=SY_8UNT5puZ7Uj_F
Reporting to Police, Step by Step - https://youtu.be/s7vH5a9y7cA?si=sm1ReJaVxsvqKlNS
1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Police - 000 (immediate danger)
The Divorce Course - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
The Divorce Course Podcast - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
Empower You app - free documentation app run by NSW Police
Krasi Kirova - clinical psychologist and board-approved supervisor
Share your experience anonymously for Krasi's conference talk: [LINK]
If this episode helped you understand how to prove coercive control, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

Are you about to separate and have absolutely no idea what happens to the house? Do you keep it? Do you sell it? Do you have to be the one who leaves? And what happens to the mortgage?
🎧 Listen to this episode if…
- You don't know whether you can keep the house or have to sell it, The mortgage is in both names and you're panicking about who pays it, You've been told that if you move out, you lose your claim to the house, Your ex is stalling, sabotaging the sale, or refusing to sign anything, You want to keep the kids in the same home and the same school, You're heading into mediation and need to know your options
⚠️  not legal advice. This reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent legal advice.
Discussions of financial and economic abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.
00:00 – What Happens to the House When You Separate?
01:10 – Net Equity Explained: What the House Is Really Worth
02:05 – No Special Rule Book, With One Exception: Housing the Children
03:45 – Does Someone Have to Move Out to Be Separated?
05:05 – Myth Busted: Moving Out Doesn't Lose You the House
06:20 – When Your Ex Runs the House Down Before the Valuation
07:10 – Who Pays the Mortgage? Spousal Maintenance Explained
09:30 – Financial Abuse and Section 4AB of the Family Law Act
09:55 – Do You Have to Sell the House If You Separate?
10:45 – Working Out What the House Is Actually Worth
12:10 – How Assets Get Balanced: The Caravan Example
13:15 – Your Options: Keep It, Sell It, or Hold It Jointly
14:35 – Falling Prices, Negative Equity and Bidding at Auction
16:50 – Keeping the House: The Step-by-Step Process
17:20 – Why the Order Comes First: The Stamp Duty Exemption
19:20 – How to Work Out the Buyout Figure
21:30 – Can You Actually Afford It? See a Mortgage Broker
23:15 – Why Every Consent Order Needs a Backup Plan
24:50 – Kids and the House: Does It Give You an Edge?
26:20 – Expensive Suburbs, School Catchments and Staying Put
28:35 – The Tarzan Principle: Getting to the Next House
31:40 – Should You Buy a New House Before Settlement?
34:20 – Selling Together When You Can Barely Speak
35:25 – Staging, "Sold As Is" and Missing Kitchens
38:10 – Choosing a Real Estate Agent You Both Agree On
39:25 – Court Orders to Sell and Holding Funds in Trust
42:25 – When Your Ex Sabotages the Sale
47:40 – The High-Conflict Ex and the House
49:15 – The Avoidant Ex and Avoidant-Proof Orders
51:20 – The Manipulative Ex and Delay Tactics
52:50 – Amicable? Don't Rely on a Handshake
54:40 – Don't Let Buyers Know It's a Divorce Sale
55:55 – When Your Ex Won't Sign: Section 106A Explained
57:20 – What It Costs to Go to Court Over the House
59:00 – A Home Is Just a House: The Emotional Side
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
What Happens With the Mortgage https://youtu.be/8yNEHlHC-JE?si=hCyc9PcxW3BbTUDd
Inheritances https://youtu.be/FKK6NIU4sEk?si=oAOCl-INyhnvO_M0
I Really Want to Keep the House https://youtu.be/sblG_qVXhG4?si=ydHgafJTRDRr6g74
Selling the House https://youtu.be/kd9MUMeKaKQ?si=dTTugpHus_6Qe7oF
📖 FULL SHOW NOTES, including every case, section and resource mentioned in this episode: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7) 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🚓 Police – 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Family Law Act 1975 – s79(5) and s90SM (housing the children), s4AB (family violence and economic abuse), s90 (stamp duty relief), s106A (registrar signing documents).
If this episode helped you please follow, rate, review, and share so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

🎧 LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IF…
• You're parenting a child with autism, ADHD or suspected neurodivergence through a separation
• You don't know how to tell a literal thinker that their parents are splitting up
• Changeover is falling apart and your child refuses to go to the other house
• Your ex denies the diagnosis, blocks therapy, or says "they're perfect at my place"
• You need the court to understand what your child's daily needs actually look like
• You're heading into a family report and you're dreading it
• You're burnt out, doing all the appointments, and wondering if you've ruined your child
Does the family court actually consider your child's neurodivergence when making parenting orders? What happens when your ex tells the lawyer your child doesn't have special needs at all? And can week-about ever work for a child who falls apart at every changeover?
In this episode, Mum and I are joined by Amanda Lee – an autistic mum of autistic daughters, a qualified Montessori educator, parenting coach and registered counsellor who has also been through the family court herself. Amanda works with neurodiverse families navigating burnout, relationship breakdown and separation, and she brings both the qualifications and the lived experience.
⏱️ EPISODE TIMELINE
00:00 – Neurodivergent Kids and Divorce: What You Need to Know
01:01 – Meet Amanda Lee: Autistic Mum, Counsellor and Parenting Coach
03:22 – What's Actually Different for a Neurodivergent Child?
04:56 – Does the Family Court Need a Formal Diagnosis?
06:17 – How to Tell a Neurodivergent Child You're Separating
10:09 – Warning Signs Your Child Isn't Coping After Separation
13:59 – You Haven't Ruined Your Child: The Skills They're Building
14:32 – Documenting Your Child's Behaviour for the Family Court
15:27 – Transitions and Two Homes: Making Changeover Easier
20:04 – One Safe Person, One Safe Place: How to Parallel Parent
22:06 – When Your Child Refuses to Go to the Other House
22:58 – How to Write Observations That Hold Up as Evidence
26:00 – Free Checklists at The Divorce Course
27:09 – When Your Ex Won't Take the Kids to Therapy or OT
28:00 – The Ex Who Denies the Diagnosis: Talk About Behaviour Instead
30:24 – Masking, the Fawn Response and "Perfect at Dad's"
33:08 – Telling the School and Building Your Support Team
36:24 – "Therapeutic Purposes Only" Counselling Orders Explained
37:07 – How the Family Court Considers Neurodiversity
38:15 – NDIS Plans, Affidavits and a Day in the Life
40:02 – Choosing a Family Report Writer Who Gets Neurodivergence
41:00 – Preparing Your Child for the Family Report Interview
44:10 – Coaching Accusations and How to Avoid Them
46:15 – When Parents Can't Agree on Medical or Therapy Decisions
49:04 – Therapy Costs, Property Settlement and Child Support
51:05 – Support After 18: Adult Child Maintenance Explained
53:06 – Parental Burnout and the "Good Enough Parent" Standard
56:49 – Where to Find Amanda Lee
 
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
• At What Age Can Children Decide Where They Live? –https://youtu.be/hUCh0Nzw0wM?si=3jLmbSGESM3ziQYq
• What Is a Family Report? What to Expect on the Day –https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/family-reports-in-your-divorce/id1503451022?i=1000475552908
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Amanda Lee – Amanda Lee Consulting – amandaleeconsulting.com | Amanda Lee Consulting on Facebook & Instagram
Understanding Zoe app – shared practitioner notes for your child's support team (may be fundable through NDIS)
Teeny Tiny Stevies – ABC Kids / ABC iview (the goodbye-song idea)
Videos for children about the family court – fcfcoa.gov.au
Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) s 60CC – best interests of the child
Family Law Amendment Act 2023 – parental responsibility and joint decision-making changes, in force May 2024
Services Australia – Child Support change of assessment (special circumstances)
NDIS – ndis.gov.au
 
LINKS & RESOURCES
🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
✅ Free checklists (mediation, disclosure, word salad, read a letter like a pro, before you go) – free resources section at www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
 
SUPPORT
📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14
🚓 Police – 000 (immediate danger)
 
🛟 Content warning: this episode touches on high-conflict separation, post-separation abuse, and parents who deny a child's needs.
 
⚠️ This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.
 
If this episode helped you feel less alone in parenting a neurodivergent child through separation, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.
All our best,
Laura & Lyn
Your Guides By Your Side
Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
• You've been told your property pool is "too big" or "too small" to bother negotiating
• You're weighing up whether to accept an offer or go to court, and it doesn't feel fair
• You're a stay-at-home parent worried about how you'll manage on a small settlement
• Your ex keeps saying "just go get a job" and you don't know if the court sees it that way
• You're stuck arguing over a percentage and not sure if the fight is worth the cost
• You want to understand future needs adjustments before you sit down at mediation
⚠️ Legal Disclaimer
This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction (some rules differ in WA). Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.
Episode Summary
You may have been told that because your property pool is very big, or very small, the usual rules don't apply to you. Maybe you're trying to decide whether to accept an offer that doesn't feel fair, or whether it's even worth going to court at all. This one's for you.
Mum and I unpack how the size of your property pool changes the way settlement negotiations and decisions play out. The family law framework is always the same – the four steps a court works through don't move – but two of those steps, current and future circumstances (what we used to call "future needs") and that final just-and-equitable check, can look very different depending on whether you're splitting five million or fifty thousand.
We talk through why big pools often see smaller future-needs adjustments (because there's plenty to go around), why small pools can see much larger ones (because every dollar counts), and the one habit that will save you years of stress: stop arguing over percentages and start looking at what those percentages are actually worth in real dollars. Mum also explains the Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) court track for smaller matters, why superannuation isn't the same as cash in your hand, and why drawing that legal line under your relationship matters even when there's "hardly anything" to divide.
⏱️ Episode Timeline
00:00 – Big or Small Property Pool? Why It Matters
01:00 – The Legal Disclaimer & What Stays the Same for Everyone
01:20 – The Four Steps: What Never Changes in a Settlement
02:00 – What Counts as a Large Property Pool?
02:40 – Big Pools: Why Future Needs Adjustments Shrink
04:40 – Standard of Living: What the Court Will and Won't Do
06:30 – Small Pools: Why Adjustments Can Be Much Bigger
07:30 – Percentages vs Real Dollars: The Mindset Shift
09:00 – Is That 10% Worth Going to Court For?
12:20 – Don't Forget Superannuation vs Cash
14:00 – Stay-at-Home Parents, Earning Capacity & Retraining
17:20 – "Is a Small Pool Even Worth It?" The Myth
18:30 – Why Drawing a Legal Line Protects Your Future
21:40 – The Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) Explained
23:30 – Normal-Sized Pools: Follow the Usual Rules
25:50 – Show Me the Money: Look at Dollars, Not Percentages
26:40 – You Are Capable: A Message of Hope
 
1. Should I Settle or Go to Court? (10 Questions to Ask Yourself)
Referenced when discussing how to decide whether the fight is worth it.
2. Property: Why You Shouldn't Negotiate Percentages
Referenced when discussing arguing over what "50/50" actually means in dollars.
📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)
📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14
🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)
🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
• Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) — the streamlined court track for matters with net assets under $500,000 (excluding super). Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au
• Family Law Act 1975 – s 79 (property, married) / s 90SM (de facto): https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s79.html

🎧 Listen to this episode if…
- You've left a coercively controlling relationship and your biggest fear is what it will do to your kids
- You're wondering why your children can't see the abuse, or seem to side with the controlling parent
- Your ex uses the kids as messengers or feeds them misinformation
- You're worried about being accused of "parental alienation" for parenting differently
- You're navigating parenting plans, orders or supervised time with a high-conflict ex
⚠️ This podcast is general information only not legal advice. Australian family law discussed. Always consult a qualified family lawyer.
🛟 This episode discusses coercive control and family violence. In danger? Call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.
In Part 4 of our Coercive Control Series, Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer your questions about coercive control, children and co-parenting. Plus the legal side – affidavits, family reports, Section 61DAB, loophole-proof orders, whether the court listens to a 14-year-old, and why supervised time working isn't a reason to rush to unsupervised.
⏱️ CHAPTERS
00:00 – Coercive Control and Kids: Every Parent's Biggest Fear
02:00 – How Coercive Control Affects Children (Including Adult Children)
04:00 – Research: Coercive Control Harms Kids Like Physical Violence
08:00 – Why Children Can't See the Abuse: The Loyalty Bind
10:00 – Does the Family Court Recognise the Impact on Children?
11:00 – The Problem With Family Reports
13:00 – Naming Coercive Control in Your Affidavit
14:00 – When Kids Are Used as Messengers
15:00 – Why Protective Parenting Is Double Duty
18:00 – Dr Emma Katz: Build the Opposite of the Coercive Regime
21:00 – Teaching Kids Emotion Regulation and Assertiveness
24:00 – Why Normal Co-Parenting Advice Doesn't Apply Here
26:00 – Making Your Home Non-Porous
27:00 – Alienation Accusations vs Parenting Differently
29:00 – Bombarding Messages: Why You Can Ignore Them
31:00 – Section 61DAB: Your Day-to-Day Parenting Decisions
32:00 – Manipulation and Misinformation: Correcting the Record
37:00 – The "Adult Matters" Myth in Family Court
38:00 – When Kids Side With the Controlling Parent
43:00 – How to Tell the Kids You're Divorcing
48:00 – Best Books to Help Children Through Coercive Control
52:00 – Krasi's Message to Every Protective Parent
55:00 – Helping Kids Heal When They Won't Open Up
60:00 – Parenting Plans With a Narcissistic Ex: 50/50 Traps
62:00 – Loophole-Proof Orders: Why "As Agreed" Needs a Default
65:00 – Will the Court Listen to a 14-Year-Old?
67:00 – Parental Alienation: What the UN Report Says
69:00 – The Gillick Test: Teens Accessing Psychological Support
70:00 – Sudden 50/50 Demands and Recording Phone Calls
72:00 – Supervised Time: Why Good Behaviour Isn't Evidence
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
Part 1 – Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship:  https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Blmekx03XEJIzshzS3glJ
Part 2 – Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000775886114
Part 3 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control: When Money Becomes the Weapon https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000776879697
The Parenting Order Loopholes Your Ex Will Exploit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBZYy44FhPY
Can Kids Decide Where They Live? How Children's Wishes Count https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000771958744
🔗 RESOURCES
Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist – https://kirovapsychology.com.au
Krasi's feedback form for survivors – https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
Books: The Big Bag of Worries | Every Moment of Every Day (Christine Cuccio) | The Sky Is Red and My Boundary Balloons (Tyra Schwartz) | I Can (Natasha Harris)
Family Law Act 1975 – s60CC and s61DAB
🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au