Have you noticed how quickly conversations about gender turn into competitions about who has it worse? One side insists men are the real victims—look at the loneliness epidemic, the education gaps, the suicide rates. The other side counters that women are the real victims—look at the violence statistics, the unpaid labor, the centuries of having our voices silenced. Both sides race to claim the prize of victimhood. But what might be possible if we quit playing the blame game?[00:02] Chelle introduces writer of the Substack publication - Matriachal Blessing - Celeste Davis.[02:12] Celeste and Chelle discuss how online (and offline) gender debates often devolve into opposing victim narratives and why this competitive framing is ineffective.[05:52] Celeste explains the Drama Triangle dynamics and how the Victim–Persecutor–Rescuer cycle keeps us stuck in blame rather than solutions.[08:42] Chelle reflects on how hard it is to escape reactive roles, noting how our brains cling to them for a false sense of safety.[09:41] Celeste introduces the conflict escalation model, outlining the three stages — rational, emotional, and fight — and how rising tension shifts goals from compromise, to winning, to wanting the other side to lose.[13:59] Celeste and Chelle discuss how patriarchy (and other power systems) benefit from keeping men and women divided.[19:12] Celeste and Chelle explore “two truths at once,” using the Richard Reeves example to illustrate how focusing only on male pain OR only on male harm creates incomplete stories.[23:28] Celeste shares her personal story, from a Mormon upbringing and forgiveness-only tools, through awakening rage, to eventually developing a more balanced view: men are harmed and men harm.[26:21] Celeste shares how she speaks and supports her sons and daughters. [30:43] Chelle reflects on teaching her own sons to see and “bend” systems, not just comply with them.[33:17] Chelle and Celeste highlight the difference between fitting in and belonging, and how long-term benefits of authenticity outweigh short-term approval losses.[35:56] Post-show with Chelle & Evie This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com
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37:21
How gender conditioning keeps us from connecting
Ever noticed how much pressure there is for ‘good girls’ to perform compassion and for ‘strong boys’ to avoid it?[00:00] Evie & Chelle share the gender expectations they're shaking off. [02:00] Chelle shares Ah Ha #1: how early socialization creates deeply different relationships with compassion—women often perform it to earn love, while men armor up against it for survival.[06:20] Evie introduces Tool #1: Reaching for Compassion with four steps: listen to learn, understand to know, connect to capabilities, and then act to solve.[11:15] Evie shares Aha #2: Accountability isn't about blaming and punishing someone, but partnering together. [12:42] Chelle introduces Tool #2: Own It with three questions to do our accountability work first: What's mine to own? Have I made my expectations clear? If boundaries were crossed, have I voiced it?[17:57] Chelle shares Aha #3: We can't just do our own work—healthy accountability requires partnership.[20:36] Evie shares Tool #3: Share the Load with four steps: get clear on expectations (for me, for you, for us), check motivation levels, decide how to track progress, and adjust as needed when things go off track.[23:33] Chelle shares a vulnerable story about her son Charlie holding her accountable. [30:54] Chelle summarizes the three ahas and three tools covered in the episode.[34:22] Post-show discussion with Evie and Chelle. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com
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35:19
What we get wrong about accountability
Accountability isn’t about blame. It’s not about compliance. It’s actually about clarity, integrity, and honoring what matters in our relationships with each other. This is how compassion and accountability work together.[01:28] Chelle welcomes Paige and reflects on their past cliff-top conversation that inspired this episode.[02:27] Paige and Chelle explore how performance, protection, and disconnection are human dynamics shaped by patriarchal systems, not just gender ones. [05:53] Paige and Chelle explain how compassion and accountability are not opposites but coexisting forces.[10:09] Paige invites listeners to start with what’s mine to own?—recognizing human bias, clarifying expectations, and voicing boundaries rather than assuming others can read our minds.[15:20] Paige and Chelle discuss how early conditioning teaches us to betray our own needs and how accountability begins by reclaiming our truth. Paige shares her “6Ws Framework”to help clarify expectations and communicate cleanly.[24:07] Paige reframes accountability as partnering rather than policing—a dynamic that activates choice, agency, and mutual understanding.[36:21] Paige and Chelle distinguish between local safety (protecting ourselves in harmful relationships) and global openness (not letting those experiences define our worldview).[40:36] Paige and Chelle reflect on how cultural norms calcify both women and men—women shrink, men harden. [42:34] Paige shares her closing remark: accountability is an act of love.[44:18] Chelle and Evie post-show discussion. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com
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Can compassion bridge the gender divide?
Have you noticed how quickly conversations about gender turn into arguments about who has it worse? How we lose the ability to hear each other when we’re busy defending our own pain? This isn’t just emotionally draining—it’s neurologically impossible to connect this way. So how do we reach for compassion with each other?[01:50] Chelle and Chris define compassion and explore the four steps that help us to practice compassion in ways that are good for others and us.[05:35] Chelle and Chris explore how curiosity can provide a bridge towards compassion to help us listen to learn and know to understand, before rushing into "good girl" actions.[12:30] Chris explains why it is easier to extend compassion to some people but not others.[15:22] Chelle and Chris unpack why compassion is not about letting people "off the hook" because compassion and accountability go hand-in-hand.[18:38] Chelle and Chris explore why "toxic empathy" has suddenly become a concern in the United States.[21:22] Chelle and Chris bust the myth of survival of fittest and why this keeps "strong boys" stuck and how compassion could free them.[29.27] Chelle and Evie reflect post show on their learnings. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com
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31:03
How do we heal the gender divide?
In our last two episodes, we spoke with Dr. Carol Gilligan and Dr. Niobe Way, whose forty years of research show how society’s gender expectations of being “good girls” and “strong boys” are creating a crisis of connection that’s costing all of us. So what do we do when we recognize so many of us are trapped by society’s gender expectations that were never ours to begin with?[0:02] Evie and Chelle open the episode and share the gender expectations they’re shaking off.[1:34] Chelle recaps Dr. Carol Gilligan and Dr. Niobe Way’s research on how “good girl” and “strong boy” expectations create a crisis of connection.[4:06] Chelle explains how boys’ emotional intelligence shifts between ages 4–7, while girls begin losing their voices around age 11.[7:52] Chelle and Evie reflect on how these patterns fuel loneliness and emotional disconnection.[10:09] Chelle introduces Tool #1: Stay With Me, a grounding practice to stay connected to your wiser self.[15:36] Evie shares Tool #2: Spot the Cage, showing how to recognize and step out of “us vs. them” thinking.[22:30] Chelle introduces Tool #3: The Consequence Continuum, explaining how to balance compassion with accountability.[31:22] Evie reflects on how curiosity and conversation create connection.[34:18] Chelle summarizes the three tools — Stay With Me, Spot the Cage, and the Consequence Continuum.[37:12] Evie and Chelle close the episode, inviting listeners to keep practicing curiosity and compassion. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit michellemcquaid.substack.com
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