The Good Girl Game Changers

You're not broken, and there are no bad parts of you — just a whole inner family that's been working overtime to keep you safe. In part two with Dr. Tori Olds, Chelle goes deeper into the IFS model: what managers and firefighters are actually doing for us, who the exiles are that they're protecting, and what becomes possible when the capital-S Self finally shows up to take over.
2:10 — Chelle shares part two: we've met Self, now we meet the parts — managers, firefighters, and what they're all protecting
4:07 — Chelle asks Tori to briefly re-ground listeners in the IFS framework from episode eight before going deeper
7:43 — Tori on why the word "part" matters
10:15 — The two types of protector parts explained: managers (proactive, preventative, keep things under control) and firefighters (reactive, desperate, break windows to get you out of the burning building)
13:48 — What firefighter parts look like: overspending, drinking, eating disorders, rage — and why they deserve compassion, not shame
15:35 — Chelle introduces the exiles: the wounded younger parts that managers and firefighters have been working so hard to protect us from ever feeling again
17:00 — Tori on what wounds us
19:22 — Chelle shares her own exile work
23:19 — Tori explains memory reconsolidation — how a real felt mismatch between an old knowing and a new experience can reorganise a neural network in seconds
30:52 — What happens to parts after unburdening
35:21 — Tori on doing IFS solo versus with a therapist or coach, and how to read your own system to know when you need more support
40:23 — Chelle summarises this episode
42:01 — Close and resources
43:07 — Post-episode debrief

Are you looking for a group of like-minded women to do this messy, beautiful work with? Come and join us for 30 days free at The Breaking Free Studio: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://shop.thegoodgirlgamechangers.com/the-breaking-free-studio⁠⁠⁠

And a special for our wonderful listeners, you can get 25% off The Nervous System Advantage Toolbox using code GGGC25 at checkout. ⁠Simply click here to discover more.

What if the parts of you that people-please, perform perfectly, and protect everyone aren't the problem — they're just trying to keep you safe? In this episode, Dr. Tori Olds introduces the idea that you have a capital-S Self that was never broken to begin with.
0:02 — Chelle introduces Dr. Tori Olds, co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy.
3:48 — Tori's good girl moment: sitting her dad down in high school, feet on the floor, open posture, to tell him he'd hurt her feelings — and making her mum watch
6:16 — Tori explains what "Self" actually means in IFS: not ego to be dissolved, but our fully-online, liberated adult self — the one that acts from wisdom rather than rules
7:30 — What parts are, why they form, and why they're never the villain — just early survival strategies that haven't had a chance to update
10:21 — Chelle's aha: learning she wasn't supposed to judge or banish her parts, but love them — and how disorienting that felt at first
12:42 — How Dick Schwartz discovered the Self wasn't a theory he invented — it was what kept showing up when he asked parts to step back, including in people with serious trauma
17:47 — The 8 Cs of Self: curiosity, compassion, courage, clarity, calm, creativity, confidence, and connectedness
18:38 — How IFS parts connect to Sue Marriott's zones: when Self is online, the connection circuit is on; when parts take over, protection kicks in
20:10 — Tori on why our parts aren't wrong — they just learned their rules in a reality that no longer exists, and the brain holds on
31:17 — What unblending actually means: becoming mindful of a part rather than being swept away by it, like stepping back to observe without numbing out
38:49 — Tori on the difference between managing parts and healing them
43:00 — Post-episode debrief

Are you looking for a group of like-minded women to do this messy, beautiful work with? Come and join us for 30 days free at The Breaking Free Studio: ⁠⁠⁠https://shop.thegoodgirlgamechangers.com/the-breaking-free-studio⁠⁠

And a special for our wonderful listeners, you can get 25% off The Nervous System Advantage Toolbox using code GGGC25 at checkout. Simply click here to discover more.

Your nervous system isn't broken — it's doing exactly what it learned to do. In this episode, Evie and Chelle unpack two years of living with Sue Marriott's secure relating work, and what shifts when you stop trying to think your way back to calm and start listening to your body first.
2:30 — Context on Sue Marriott's work and why Secure Relating became the book Chelle couldn't put down
4:07 — Aha number one: you can feel securely attached to yourself, not just your parents or your partner
12:30 — Tool one: Stay With Me: a guided reflection on noticing the urge to abandon yourself and asking what it would look like to stay
18:21 — Aha number two: you can't think your way out of your protection circuit
21:17 — Tool two: Take A Slow Gaze: a guided practice that widens peripheral vision to signal safety to the nervous system
26:23 — Aha number three: seeing and soothing isn't always one and done
32:06 — Tool three: The Safety Check Chat: four questions to settle the brain
38:00 — Chelle wraps up all three ahas and tools
40:27 — Post-episode debrief: Evie and Chelle note this was one of the recordings where both their nervous systems were actually in the green zone the whole time

In this episode Sue shares the practical side of secure relating: how to move back toward connection from the red and blue zones, what rewiring actually requires, and why "safe enough" might be the most honest and liberating goal any of us can reach for.
0:01 — Evie and Chelle welcome listeners back and recap the three zones from episode five: green, red, and blue
3:33 — Evie and Chelle share what the zones have given them personally — more agency, curiosity, and compassion for themselves and others
5:51 — Sue returns and clarifies that the zones model is built on decades of others' research, brought together through her and Anne's clinical experience
8:05 — Chelle asks the practical question: how do we warm up out of the blue zone and back toward connection?
9:46 — Sue explains why people lean blue and what it actually looks like, including why a simple text can be a relational bid that blue-zone people miss entirely
13:20 — Sue introduces the idea of "expressed delight" as a way to warm up the nervous system and signal connection to others
15:22 — How to cool down from the red zone — turning attention back inward, expanding your sense of time, and "skipping to the end" rather than over-explaining
18:49 — Sue introduces "right channel, wrong volume" — recognising when your reaction is bigger than the situation actually calls for
20:01 — Chelle shares her own red zone pattern: the belief that if you have to ask, it doesn't count — and the shift of learning to ask anyway
20:57 — The 3 Rs framework: recognising, reflecting, and rewiring — and why insight alone isn't enough without embodied, repeated experience
24:40 — Sue on what rewiring actually looks like: safe relationships, pets, nature, and learning to let love in rather than just give it out
28:09 — The tie-dye puddle explained — what happens when our nervous system loses its organised strategy altogether, and how to find your way back to the spectrum
31:15 — Sue and Chelle on why the tie-dye puddle carries so much shame — and why it's simply a human biological state, not a moral failing
31:57 — "Safe enough" as the real goal — not perfect security, but enough safety to stay curious and keep going
34:35 — Sue on navigating an insecure world: understanding how fear is used to manipulate us, and how knowing your own nervous system keeps you from being swept along
37:09 — Sue closes with a quietly hopeful message.
39:39 — Post-episode debrief

Are you looking for a group of like-minded women to do this messy, beautiful work with? Come and join us for 30 days free at The Breaking Free Studio: ⁠⁠https://shop.thegoodgirlgamechangers.com/the-breaking-free-studio⁠⁠

What if the reason you keep shrinking yourself, over-explaining, or shutting down emotionally has nothing to do with a character flaw — and everything to do with your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do? In this episode, Chelle sits down with clinical social worker and author Sue Marriott to unpack the science of secure relating and what it means to finally hold your own in an insecure world.
0:02 — Evie and Chelle introduce Sue Marriott, co-host of Therapist Uncensored and co-author of Secure Relating, and share how this conversation changed the way they understand themselves
4:01 — Sue shares her own "good girl" moment
5:38 — Sue defines secure attachment and why it matters, starting with the idea that for many of us, learning to feel securely attached to ourselves comes before anything else
9:33 — Sue introduces secure relating as a shift away from fixed attachment categories toward something more fluid and hopeful, no matter your history
12:20 — The connection and protection circuits explained — what they are, why neither is shameful, and how "good girl" conditioning can quietly push us toward protection when we don't need to be there
20:11 — Sue on "clean pain" versus "dirty pain" — why expressing your true self can hurt, and why that pain is worth it
22:41 — The zone map introduced: green, red, and blue as a way to understand where your nervous system is at any given moment
24:31 — What the green zone actually feels like — not perfect calm, but being your right size, with your full mind available
27:24 — The red zone: urgency, over-explaining, people-pleasing as a way of losing yourself while trying to hold on to others
36:14 — The blue zone: withdrawal, stoicism, dismissing your own feelings — and why this one is harder to catch
46:05 — Chelle wraps up and teases part two with Sue, coming soon
47:38 — Post-episode debrief