Adulting with Autism

What if the real problem isn't laziness—but an emotional wall between you and the thing you need to do?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with ADHD coach, consultant, and speaker Brendan Mahan, creator of the "Wall of Awful" model and host of ADHD Essentials. Brendan has been a teacher, mental health clinician, principal, and is a dad of identical twin sons with OCD, so he's lived these concepts in real life—not just on paper.
We explore how anxiety creates avoidance loops, why "just try harder" and "use a planner" often backfire for neurodivergent adults, and what distinguishes neurodivergent burnout from "normal" stress. Brendan breaks down the Wall of Awful as a way to talk about emotions without shame and explains why habits for ADHD/autistic folks have to be framed differently to actually stick.
This episode is for anyone who's tried every tip list, feels like they "got nothing done," and is ready for a more honest, compassionate lens on starting.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Brendan is: ADHD coach, former educator/clinician, dad of twins, author of Overcoming the Wall of Awful

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The Wall of Awful: the emotional barrier built from repeated struggles (email, chores, relationships, trauma)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How anxiety creates avoidance loops and shrinks your world over time

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "just do it" and "try harder" are sometimes useful—but often a last resort that burns anxiety for fuel and leads to burnout

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What most productivity advice misses about executive function and why neurodivergent brains are the "canaries in the coal mine"

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent burnout vs normal stress: when anxiety stops motivating and you can't activate at all

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Masking and performance: playing "above your head" to look neurotypical at work or socially

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How the Wall of Awful makes invisible struggles visible and gives language beyond "I'm lazy"

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The five responses to the Wall: staring, going around, Hulk smash, climbing, and putting a door in it

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Brendan's reframing of habits (including "habits of not doing") and the morning routine example with the gym

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A gentle reframe for "I got zero done today" and how to track what you actually did plus what matters tomorrow

About the Guest
Brendan Mahan is an ADHD coach, consultant, and speaker who works with ADHD, autism, anxiety, and broader neurodiversity. He's a former teacher, mental health clinician, and principal, and host of the ADHD Essentials podcast. Brendan created the "Wall of Awful" model to help people understand the emotional barriers around starting tasks and has spent over a decade teaching it to families, schools, and organizations.
Find him and his work at wallofawful.com (and ADHD Essentials via the same hub).
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The Wall of Awful is a way to name and work with the emotional barrier between you and the task—not proof that you're lazy.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Anxiety can become avoidance fuel; left unchecked, avoidance shrinks your world and feeds clinical anxiety.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "Just try harder" often means burning anxiety as fuel, which increases anxiety and accelerates burnout.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent burnout shows up when masking and performing like the dominant culture are no longer sustainable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Habits include "habits of not doing"; changing the surrounding routine can open paths to better habits.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sometimes "getting nothing done" is actually rest—and naming it as rest makes tomorrow easier.

What if intimacy and loneliness are just as important to your health as water, sleep, and nutrition?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Dr. Diane Mueller—known as both "the libido doc" and "the Lyme doc"—about shame-free intimacy, neurodivergent adults, and how long-term relationships can stay connected instead of turning into roommate status. Dr. Diane works both in chronic illness (Lyme, mold, complex root causes) and in sex, intimacy, and relationship communication.
We explore why the medical world often ignores loneliness, how shame shows up around sex and desire, and what autistic and neurodivergent adults are not being taught about consent, communication, and eroticism. Dr. Diane also shares how monogamous couples can bring curiosity and variety back into their intimate lives without abandoning safety or commitment.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Dr. Diane is: "libido doc" and "Lyme doc," working at the intersection of chronic illness and intimacy

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Harvard's 75-year finding that loneliness is the #1 factor affecting happiness and longevity—and why intimacy matters for health

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What "shame-free" actually means in practice (not shaming shame, but learning from it and moving forward)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How shame around sexuality (desire, toys, non-missionary positions, self-pleasure) gets pushed into shadow and gets louder over time

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The huge gaps in how we teach sex and relationships, especially for autistic and neurodivergent adults (linear, heteronormative, P-in-V-only scripts)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Bioindividuality in eroticism: why there is no one "normal" way to experience intimacy or desire

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The three threats in conflict and why sex conversations uniquely maximize "threat to self" and ego protection

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Using Gottman-style positivity ratios in intimacy talks—building a "bank" of specific positive feedback before introducing changes

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Common vs normal patterns in monogamous relationships: dwindling sex, roommate dynamics, boredom, stress, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The guitar metaphor: why practicing intimacy for decades doesn't have to make you worse, and how to add "notes" and variety over time

About the Guest
Dr. Diane Mueller is known as both the "libido doc" and the "Lyme doc," with dual specialties in chronic illness (Lyme, mold, multi-root causes) and in sex, intimacy, and relationships. She focuses on shame-free, holistic conversations that integrate health, emotional wellbeing, and deep connection between partners. Her work emphasizes the importance of intimacy and loneliness as central factors in happiness and longevity, not just side topics.
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Loneliness and intimacy are core health variables, not optional extras.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Shame can be a helpful flag when harm occurs—but chronic, circular shame around desire keeps people stuck and silent.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent adults are rarely taught about consent, communication, and erotic variety in ways that respect their processing styles.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Intimacy talks are high-ego-threat conversations; building a strong positive "bank" first makes change discussions safer.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Common patterns (roommate vibes, dwindling sex) are not the same as "normal" or inevitable.

Why does so much self-help sound good… and then disappear when life gets hard?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Josh Davis, PhD—neuroscientist, former Barnard College professor, and NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) trainer—about practical tools for real change in messy, everyday life. Josh has spent decades teaching neuroscience and psychology, and now focuses on bringing NLP tools to parents, especially dads, who want to show up differently for their kids without getting lost in guilt and overwhelm.
We dig into why the brain clings to old habits, what "manage attention, not time" looks like for distractible and executive-function-challenged brains, and why joining someone's reality (instead of trying to fix them) can dissolve conflict in seconds.This episode is perfect for neurodivergent adults, parents, and anyone tired of advice that doesn't stick.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) actually is—and what makes it different from typical self-help

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How outcome-oriented therapies and NLP grew out of psychotherapy's most effective tools

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why wanting change isn't enough if different "parts" of you disagree (internal conflict)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "Manage attention, not time" as a realistic frame for overloaded, ADHD-style brains

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why you will never "catch up" on your to-do list, and why that's freeing, not hopeless

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Practical prioritization when your brain can only hold a few important things at once

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Real examples of using NLP with kids—joining their energy and positive intentions instead of lecturing

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How separating facts from interpretations helps with triggers (chapter "Just the Facts" in his book)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why dads often lack support networks, and how these tools can help them feel less alone

About the Guest
Josh Davis, PhD, is a teacher, author, and trainer of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). He has taught high school, college, and adults, completed a doctorate in psychology and neuroscience, and served as a professor at Barnard College, part of Columbia University. His work focuses on making powerful change tools from psychotherapy and NLP accessible to everyday people, especially parents and fathers.
His recent book translates complex NLP methods into simple, usable tools and has become a USA Today bestseller.

What if burnout isn't a personal failure—but a system failure?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with technologist Michael Eskenasy, creator of Human Cognitive Infrastructure, about why our current app-driven, fragmented world pushes humans to be the "integration layer" for everything—and how that crushes executive function, especially for neurodivergent people.
We explore what happens when technology forgets context and intent, why adding more tools often increases cognitive load, and what a "breathable life" could look like if infrastructure actually protected human capacity.
This one is especially for listeners who feel like they're bad at adulting, constantly overwhelmed by apps, or stuck in burnout despite "optimizing" themselves.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What Human Cognitive Infrastructure is (and why context/intent matter)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Burnout as a continuity failure, not a personal weakness

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How fragmented systems and open loops strain executive functioning

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "more tools" can make neurodivergent life harder, not easier

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The coordination layer: incentives, politics, and why systems don't get fixed

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Designing tech that remembers context for you instead of demanding more from you

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Governance, trust, and safeguarding data when tech knows your life

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What a "breathable life" looks like after burnout and structural exhaustion

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How clinicians, educators, and employers can think about infrastructure in support plans

About the Guest
Michael Eskenasy is the creator of Human Cognitive Infrastructure, a technology concept designed to let systems carry context and intent instead of forcing humans to do all the integration themselves. His work looks at burnout, executive function, and coordination through the lens of incentives, governance, and trust, with a special relevance for neurodivergent households and support environments.
Find Michael on X (formerly Twitter): @ITSChefreyOS

Why do so many neurodivergent couples say, "We love each other—but we can't communicate"?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I sit down with couples therapist Lisa Rabinowitz, who specializes in ADHD and neurodiverse relationships, to break down why communication breaks down—and what actually works.
We talk about the real-life patterns showing up in relationships: constant arguments over small things, interrupting, time blindness, emotional overwhelm, and the exhausting "parent vs partner" dynamic.
Lisa shares practical, shame-free strategies to help couples understand each other, regulate emotions, and rebuild connection—even if it feels like things are too far gone.
If you've ever felt misunderstood in a relationship—or like you're trying your best but it's still not working—this episode is for you.
What We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why couples fight over "small" things (and why they're not actually small)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD symptoms in relationships: impulsivity, time blindness, forgetfulness

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The truth about interrupting (it's not disrespect)

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How neurodivergent vs neurotypical communication differs

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Emotional regulation and nervous system awareness

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Attachment styles and how past wounds replay in relationships

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Breaking the "parent/child" dynamic

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What to do if your partner won't go to therapy

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "trying harder" doesn't fix relationship issues

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How real repair and change actually happens

About the Guest
Lisa Rabinowitz is a couples therapist specializing in neurodiverse relationships. She is trained in both the Gottman Method and PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) and works with couples internationally to improve communication, emotional regulation, and connection.
Website: counselorforcouples.com
Book: Why Won't You Stop Interrupting Me? Simple Solutions for ADHD Couples (Audiobook coming soon)
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Love alone isn't enough—couples need skills and systems

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Many "conflicts" are actually misunderstandings of neurodivergence

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Interrupting is often about processing, not disrespect

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Systems (alarms, notes, structure) reduce relationship stress

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> You don't fix relationships by trying harder—you fix them by doing things differently

Call to Action
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs it and leave a review to help more people find the show.