This Complex Life

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.
You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.
What this episode covers
What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud
The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful
How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event
The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time
How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing
Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion
The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention
How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight
What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down
Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict

Timestamps
4:00 What relational loneliness actually is
12:30 Conflict style and disconnection
22:00 How to start the conversation
28:00 When to get outside support
30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict
Resources and Links
Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.
Free Conflict Workbook
Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship
Related episode: Bids for connection

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au

You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.
What this episode covers
Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean
The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict
Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it
Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you
What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples
The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment
Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them
How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument
What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine
Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about
2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means
5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed
7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking
9:00 The thought download exercise
12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is
15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now
17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical
18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement
19:30 Being curious without being condescending
20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help
21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring
24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means
27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't
30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic

Resources and Links
Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.

website: https://monicatanner.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage

Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time.
What this episode covers
What the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system pattern
The research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understanding
How fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationships
Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for women
Where the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhood
What fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferences
The difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doing
Whether fawning is always a trauma response
What to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everything
Whether the fawn response goes away once you recognise it

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from
3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained
4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life
10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person
12:00 Where the fawn response comes from
16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight
19:00 What it's actually costing you
22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness
23:00 What to actually do about it
26:00 Low-stakes practice
30:00 When to seek support
31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing?
32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response?
33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice?
35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood?
36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it?
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au

Most couples have had the same money argument dozens of times without ever having the real conversation underneath it. Research shows that 58% of Australian couples report finances as a major source of conflict, and a study of over 5,500 couples found the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation.
This episode covers:
Why money fights are almost never about the money
The money stories we carry from childhood and how they shape every conversation about finances
How money becomes about power, identity and influence in a relationship
The gendered lens we bring to money conversations and why it matters
Questions to ask your partner to open the conversation rather than shut it down
Why curiosity before problem solving is the thing that actually changes things

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
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Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed.
Things Discussed
Why disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them together
Redefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changed
The orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration alone
How carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselves
Practical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditions
How to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expect

Chapter Timestamps
[00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters
[03:00] Redefining what sex actually is
[06:30] Body image and who sex is for
[09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools
[13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality
[18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk
[22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability
[26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex
[28:00] What sex education should look like
[29:30] How to find a sexologist in Australia

Resources and Links
The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbook
The Orgasm Gap by Karen Gurney
Sex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommended
Society of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.au
Pleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.au
Free resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex

Keep the Conversation Going
Download the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex
Got a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode.
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Guest Information
Casey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au.
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