This Complex Life

The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.
This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.
Things Discussed
The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want
Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point
What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes
Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible
The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself
Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go
Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them
The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence
How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands
Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night
Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time
Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance
Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection
Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities
Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax
How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft
The sex education most of us got, and what it left out

Timestamps
0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows
1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often
2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships
3:00 What changes desire over time
4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no
4:50 There is no normal frequency
6:30 How affection slides off the agenda
8:00 Lonely in the same house
9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire
11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts
12:50 Why the weekend away backfires
13:40 Accelerators and brakes
14:40 Taking sex off the table
16:10 How to start the conversation
17:40 You are not failing at anything

Resources and Links
Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/

Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/
Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg

Books mentioned
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Come Together by Emily Nagoski

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
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Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week.
Things we discussed
How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast
Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour
The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight
Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight
The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself
What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years
Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are
How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners
Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified
Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship
What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective

Timestamps
0:00 Intro
1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience
2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work
4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week
6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show
9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings
10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health
11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels
12:40 The story that stayed with her
16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed
21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice
24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story
27:20 What makes you hard to live with
About Sana
Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email allinthemind@abc.net.au.
Resources and links
All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts

Keep the conversation going
Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Things Discussed
The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people
Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research
What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims
Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction
The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis
Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids
Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction
Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs
Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right
2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence
3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages
4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test
6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection
8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world
10:30 What to do instead
13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support

Resources and Links
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Keep the Conversation Going
forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.

What this episode covers
What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us
4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything
6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation
10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves
13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses
17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive
20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase

Resources and Links
Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.

Things Discussed
The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps
Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia
The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder
Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers
Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later
How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need
What to do when grief comes out as anger
Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely

Timestamps
0:00 Why we don't talk about grief
0:30 The many types of grief
2:20 My first experiences of grief
5:30 Grief and love arrive together
9:30 What not to say to someone grieving
13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers
17:40 How to actually show up for someone
22:30 Anticipatory grief

Resources and Links
Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals
Work with a therapist
Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6