This Complex Life

Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud.
Things Discussed
The difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you need
What actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxiety
Sexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually chose
Why one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejection
The vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflict
How to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fight
Why nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us

Timestamps
0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy
2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby
5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers
8:00 What actually brings people through the door
13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need
14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for
17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection
23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her
Resources and Links
Tania Wellby
https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania
Free sex and intimacy guide
https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
Keep the Conversation Going
forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Guest Info
Tania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.

You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them?
As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out.
In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever.
I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you.

Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them
6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out
12:00 Resentment and the mental load
15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth
20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulness

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.
This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.
Things Discussed
The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want
Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point
What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes
Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible
The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself
Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go
Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them
The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence
How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands
Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night
Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time
Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance
Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection
Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities
Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax
How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft
The sex education most of us got, and what it left out

Timestamps
0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows
1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often
2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships
3:00 What changes desire over time
4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no
4:50 There is no normal frequency
6:30 How affection slides off the agenda
8:00 Lonely in the same house
9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire
11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts
12:50 Why the weekend away backfires
13:40 Accelerators and brakes
14:40 Taking sex off the table
16:10 How to start the conversation
17:40 You are not failing at anything

Resources and Links
Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/

Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/
Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg

Books mentioned
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Come Together by Emily Nagoski

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week.
Things we discussed
How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast
Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour
The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight
Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight
The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself
What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years
Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are
How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners
Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified
Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship
What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective

Timestamps
0:00 Intro
1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience
2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work
4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week
6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show
9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings
10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health
11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels
12:40 The story that stayed with her
16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed
21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice
24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story
27:20 What makes you hard to live with
About Sana
Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email allinthemind@abc.net.au.
Resources and links
All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts

Keep the conversation going
Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Things Discussed
The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people
Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research
What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims
Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction
The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis
Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids
Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction
Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs
Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right
2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence
3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages
4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test
6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection
8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world
10:30 What to do instead
13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support

Resources and Links
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Keep the Conversation Going
forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6