This Complex Life

Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.

What this episode covers
What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us
4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything
6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation
10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves
13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses
17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive
20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase

Resources and Links
Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.

Things Discussed
The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps
Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia
The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder
Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers
Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later
How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need
What to do when grief comes out as anger
Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely

Timestamps
0:00 Why we don't talk about grief
0:30 The many types of grief
2:20 My first experiences of grief
5:30 Grief and love arrive together
9:30 What not to say to someone grieving
13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers
17:40 How to actually show up for someone
22:30 Anticipatory grief

Resources and Links
Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals
Work with a therapist
Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
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You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room.

What this episode covers
Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually means
The plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tended
Five signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connecting
Why this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attention
The emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraft
Bids for connection and the three ways we respond to them
Why weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works instead
How to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviour
Why tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's delivered
How to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to fail
The marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversation
Small deposits to start today

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question
2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love
5:30 Five signs you've drifted
15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship
20:00 What actually works
23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank
27:00 How to start the conversation
32:00 Picking the right time
35:00 The marathon session story

Resources and Links
Relationship Reset course
Open-ended questions for couples
Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside.

What this episode covers
Sign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-up
Sign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreign
Sign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturity
Sign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time together
Sign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things up
Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over time
Sign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radar
Why this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved things
How to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensive
When to get outside support and what that might look like

Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine
5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops
8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking
9:30 Sign 4: The phone
13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them
16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments
19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk
20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation

Resources and Links
Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au
Free Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.au
Connected Teens parenting course
Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.au
Connected Teen: marievakakis.com.au

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.
You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.
What this episode covers
What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud
The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful
How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event
The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time
How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing
Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion
The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention
How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight
What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down
Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict

Timestamps
4:00 What relational loneliness actually is
12:30 Conflict style and disconnection
22:00 How to start the conversation
28:00 When to get outside support
30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict
Resources and Links
Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.
Free Conflict Workbook
Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship
Related episode: Bids for connection

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Instagram: @marievakakis
Website: marievakakis.com.au