This Complex Life

You know something's off. You're shorter with the people you love, you're not sleeping properly, and the things you used to enjoy don't do much for you anymore, yet telling someone feels harder than pushing through on your own. If that's where you're at, it doesn't make you weak, and you're not the only one. Family therapist Tham Fuyana is back on This Complex Life to talk about men, shame, and why reaching out for help can feel so hard.

Things Discussed:
What Tham wishes more men knew about reaching out
What to do when your mates aren't supportive of you getting help
The aeroplane oxygen mask and why looking after yourself helps the people who rely on you
The difference between feeling ashamed and shame
How shame shows up in the therapy room, from shutting down to looking away
Whose voice shame usually belongs to and why it often traces back to parents, teachers, and the people we looked up to
How small comments like boys don't cry leave an imprint, even when people say they didn't have trauma
The coat of family stories men inherit and why taking it off takes bravery
Tham's experience as a dad raising mixed-race kids and the idea of a unicorn family
Why so many men don't come back after their first session and what to expect from therapy
What happens when someone says it's in the past and they don't want to talk about it
Signs you might benefit from some support
One small first step if things feel a bit off

Timestamps:
0:00 Why men aren't taught to ask for help
1:00 What Tham wishes more men knew
2:00 When your mates aren't supportive
3:00 The oxygen mask and doing things on your own
4:00 Shame versus feeling ashamed
5:00 How shame shows up in the room
6:00 Whose voice is it?
7:00 Small comments that leave an imprint
8:00 The coat boys are given
9:00 Tham's own stories as a dad
13:00 Wanting to do it differently but not knowing how
14:00 Coaches, tutors and why mental health feels different
16:00 Why men don't come back after session one
18:00 When it's in the past and they don't want to talk about it
19:00 One small step
21:00 Signs you might need support
22:00 Where to start

Resources and Links:
Tham's first episode on This Complex Life, on intersectionality and finding a therapist you can relate to: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ybD5Memvy1Y9nX8AbJdh5
Marie and Michael Derby’s episode on shame: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7kPgduDnSzpxJ2ZHODWCEK?si=bSgb3QNzSFipU82MH1BWNw
Book with Tham or our team at The Therapy Hub https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
Your GP, who can talk to you about a mental health care plan

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like us to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

About Tham
Tham Fuyana is a family therapist at The Therapy Hub in Footscray. He's a Black therapist, a husband, a dad, and a son, and his work is relationship-based, which means he considers the people in a man's life as well as the man sitting in front of him. He first came on the show to talk about intersectionality and what it's like to find a therapist who looks and sounds like you.

Your son's bedroom door is shut again, there's a voice coming through his speaker you don't recognise, and you're standing in the hallway wondering whether to knock. Every headline is telling you boys are in trouble, from the manosphere to the show Adolescence that had a whole country looking sideways at their own kid. Underneath all of it sits the pressure to raise a good human and a good man.
In this conversation, parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson joins me to talk about his new book Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out, what parents are worrying about that's actually normal, what deserves a code red, and five practical ways to start the conversations that matter.

Things Discussed:
Why grunts, privacy and an obsession with mates are developmentally normal for teenage boys
The code red signs Justin wants parents to take seriously: pornography, contempt towards girls and women, and not being able to accept no
How boys are falling behind at school and university, and how that frustration can turn into blaming women
The idea at the heart of Boys: healthy men help the people around them feel safer and stronger
Why women are looking for a partner who will be a bonus in their life
Role models, and who Australian boys actually name as their number one role model
Why masculinity feels so easy to threaten, and what the research on precarious masculinity found
Justin's five things: start young, call it out, teach empathy and perspective taking, talk through hypotheticals, and role model it
How to respond to the parent who says "I never had this and I turned out fine"
The water bottle of connection, and why correction and direction drain it
Teen led time together with no hidden agenda

Timestamps:
0:00 The party conversation every parent of a teenage boy needs to have
0:15 Why parenting boys feels so hard right now
1:45 Meet Dr Justin Coulson
2:15 What parents worry about that's actually normal
3:30 The code red signs to take seriously
4:00 Boys falling behind at school and university
6:15 What teachers are seeing in primary school classrooms
8:00 Contribution and the core message of Boys
10:30 "Show me your bonus"
13:15 Role models and the manosphere
16:00 Who boys say their role model is
21:45 Precarious masculinity
25:45 Five things parents can do
27:45 Calling it out
29:45 Teaching feelings instead of telling off
30:30 Empathy and perspective taking
33:15 Hypothetical conversations about parties and peers
35:15 "I never had this and I turned out fine"
39:45 What you can do tonight
41:00 The water bottle of connection
45:45 Teen led time with no agenda
47:15 Where to find Justin

Resources and Links:
Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out by Dr Justin Coulson: Get the Book Here
The Happy Families podcast: https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast
Dr Justin Coulson's website: https://justincoulson.com/
Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves: https://www.amazon.com/Boys-Men-Modern-Struggling-Matters/dp/0815739877
Manhood in the Making by David Gilmore: https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt5vm2vj
Tuning in to Teens: https://marievakakis.com.au/tuning-into-teens-parenting-program/
Connected Teens, my course for parents of teenagers: https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

About Our Guest:
Dr. Justin Coulson has a PhD in psychology and has spent more than 20 years researching families. He hosts Parental Guidance on Channel Nine and The Happy Families podcast, which comes out every weekday. He's a dad of six daughters and Boys is his 11th book.

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Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Everything in your life looks good on paper, so why don't you feel good? The study's going well, the job's stable, and your calendar's full. You can explain exactly where your stress comes from and what sets it off, yet actually feeling it is a different story.
This week I'm joined by psychologist Edy Xie to talk about high achievers who are functioning but not well, why understanding a problem isn't the same as feeling it, and what that looks like when you're struggling to say no.

Things Discussed:

How Edy found his way into psychology after biomed, a love of cooking, and a quarter-life crisis
Growing up in a migrant family where mental health wasn't talked about, and the stigma that kept him from getting support sooner
Why it's worth trying again if your first therapist or first session didn't click
Why progress in therapy is often slower than people expect, and the tennis metaphor Edy uses to explain it
Why insightful people can explain their problems perfectly but get stuck when asked how they feel
Trying to fix an emotion like it's a logic problem
Working with high-achieving young people who look like they're thriving but feel anxious, self-critical, burnt out, and lonely
What happens when someone finally checks in on the capable one
Perfectionism, the 95% finished assignment and a few therapy bloopers
Why Edy doesn't try to get rid of perfectionism, and how curiosity helps instead
What ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is and how it works
Struggling to say no, tolerating someone else's disappointment and noticing your defences in real time
Edy's experience of trying to be the perfect client in his own therapy
Why being productive isn't the same as being well

Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction
0:50 How Edy found his way into psychology
2:50 Stigma and talking about mental health at home
4:10 Why it's worth not giving up after your first therapist
5:00 When people don't come back after the first session
7:00 The gym, the physio and the tennis metaphor
8:15 When you can explain it but can't feel it
9:15 Trying to fix an emotion
10:50 Working with high-achieving young people
13:30 When nobody checks in on the capable one
15:05 Perfectionism and the 95% finished assignment
17:30 Therapy bloopers
18:40 Working with perfectionism without fighting it
20:40 What is ISTDP?
22:05 Struggling to say no and tolerating disappointment
26:20 Being the perfect client in your own therapy
29:50 Functioning isn't the same as being well

Book an Appointment:

If something in this episode feels close to home and you'd like some support, you can book an appointment with Edy or one of the team at The Therapy Hub in Footscray: Book Here

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
About Edy Xie

Edy Xie is a psychologist who works with clients across a range of ages, including a lot of high-achieving young people and young adults. He works at The Therapy Hub in Footscray and has a particular interest in ISTDP, which he's experienced in his own therapy as well as using it with clients. Before psychology, Edy studied biomed and spent time working in cafes, chasing his childhood dream of being a chef.

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Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
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You say yes before you've even thought about it. Later that night you're lying awake, going over it, annoyed at them and even more annoyed at yourself. You don't want to be the difficult one, so you keep saying yes and the resentment keeps building. In this episode I talk with author and coach Maryna Bilousova about people pleasing, resentment and the good girl conditioning that makes saying no feel impossible.

Things Discussed:
How childhood patterns show up in who we choose and how we react in adult relationships
Freud's iceberg and the part of the mind that runs things below our awareness
Why resentment so often comes back to boundaries and self worth
The good girl conditioning: behave, comply, never say no, never admit there's a problem
Why it's so hard to sit with someone else's disappointment
Why a boundary is your job to hold, not the other person's job to remember
The fence in the park and why boundaries create a sense of security
How behaviour gets co created between people, from gym classes to the friend who's always late
Why understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and how EMDR and hypnosis can help
The Gottman aftermath of a fight and a couple arguing over a leaky tap
Taking time for yourself as a parent, and what happens when mothers lose themselves in their kids
Practical ways to say no: pause, breathe, count to three, the superwoman pose and clear is kind

Timestamps:
0:00 Resentment and the patterns we can't explain
1:00 How Maryna came to this work through her own relationship
2:00 Freud's iceberg and the subconscious mind
3:30 When an adult relationship repeats a childhood dynamic
5:00 Resentment, boundaries and being the good girl
7:00 Why saying no feels so hard
8:00 The power of saying no
9:00 The fence in the park: boundaries as security
10:00 How behaviour gets co created
11:00 When old fears follow you to work
12:30 Understanding a pattern versus changing it
15:00 The Gottman aftermath of a fight and the leaky tap
18:30 What Maryna wishes she'd known as a young mum
21:00 Losing yourself in your kids
23:30 Learn to say no and trust your gut
25:00 The superwoman pose and clear is kind

Resources and Links:
Loving Without Losing Yourself by Maryna Bilousova: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GHSY27PG
Maryna Bilousova on Instagram, including her free discovery call: https://www.instagram.com/maryna_bilousova_official/
Relationship Reset: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
EMDR therapy at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/emdr/
Brené Brown, clear is kind: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/

Guest Info:
Maryna Bilousova is an author and coach who works with women stuck in emotionally confusing relationships. Her work brings together subconscious reprogramming, hypnotherapy and what she calls the revolutionary mindset. She's the author of Loving Without Losing Yourself and a mother of four, and she joined me from Germany. You can find Maryna on Instagram, where you can also book a free discovery call with her.

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Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
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You're the one everyone brings their problems to, at work, at home and everywhere in between.
By the time the day winds down you've held the school emails, the parent who needs a phone call, the clients and the health advice you keep meaning to follow, and you're not sure who gets to hold any of it for you. It's a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without saying so out loud.
Fi Mims, a business coach and photographer who has been running her own business for 23 years, joins me to talk about the load women carry at home and at work and who she actually calls when it all gets heavy.

Things Discussed:
What life looks like in the sandwich generation, with 17 year old twins, a business and two parents in aged care
Why the health messaging aimed at women over 40 can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever enough
How work can settle you when things are tense at home and what it takes to be fully present for someone else
The unspoken expectations about who carries the mental load and why workplaces and schools haven't caught up with families where both partners work
A fresh perspective on the trad wife movement and burnout
Who Fi talks to when things get heavy and why sharing the load with the right people matters
Using professional support alongside your inner circle
What Fi has learnt about listening in her marriage and with her teens, including calming down first, taking the other person's perspective and letting teenagers have their say
Why planning ahead and slowing down before you're forced to is worth the discomfort
Choosing deeper connection over the easy win of the couch

Timestamps:
2:00 Life in the sandwich generation
4:00 Hiking the Grampians with her son
7:00 Holding space for others while managing your own life
8:00 Being a woman in business and the unspoken load at home
10:00 Why work and school haven't caught up with working families
13:00 The trad wife movement and burnout
14:00 The pressure to get health right
16:00 Who you unload with when it all gets heavy
19:00 Using professional support when you need it
22:00 Communication and perspective taking in marriage
24:00 Parenting teens and learning to zip it
27:00 What Fi would say to anyone in this season
30:00 Slowing down, planning ahead and choosing deeper connection
33:00 Wrapping up and one thing to try

Resources and Links:

Work with Fi Mims: https://fimims.com/contact

Find Fi online:
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/fimims/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/fimimsphotography
LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/fi-mims-photography/

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Ask me anything here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Guest Info:

Fi Mims is an award winning photographer and business coach who supports her clients to look and feel their best and lifts the visibility of their personal brands. Her photographs show clients as authentic, beautiful and powerful, and her coaching supports them to find self belief, confidence and purpose.
With over 20 years of experience behind her, Fi has navigated the many challenges facing modern women while building and maintaining a multiple six figure business. When she's not working she's dreaming up new holiday adventures, getting through the pile of books next to her bed, enjoying a good boogie and never refusing a glass of champagne.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie:
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6