This Complex Life

Everything in your life looks good on paper, so why don't you feel good? The study's going well, the job's stable, and your calendar's full. You can explain exactly where your stress comes from and what sets it off, yet actually feeling it is a different story.
This week I'm joined by psychologist Edy Xie to talk about high achievers who are functioning but not well, why understanding a problem isn't the same as feeling it, and what that looks like when you're struggling to say no.

Things Discussed:

How Edy found his way into psychology after biomed, a love of cooking, and a quarter-life crisis
Growing up in a migrant family where mental health wasn't talked about, and the stigma that kept him from getting support sooner
Why it's worth trying again if your first therapist or first session didn't click
Why progress in therapy is often slower than people expect, and the tennis metaphor Edy uses to explain it
Why insightful people can explain their problems perfectly but get stuck when asked how they feel
Trying to fix an emotion like it's a logic problem
Working with high-achieving young people who look like they're thriving but feel anxious, self-critical, burnt out, and lonely
What happens when someone finally checks in on the capable one
Perfectionism, the 95% finished assignment and a few therapy bloopers
Why Edy doesn't try to get rid of perfectionism, and how curiosity helps instead
What ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is and how it works
Struggling to say no, tolerating someone else's disappointment and noticing your defences in real time
Edy's experience of trying to be the perfect client in his own therapy
Why being productive isn't the same as being well

Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction
0:50 How Edy found his way into psychology
2:50 Stigma and talking about mental health at home
4:10 Why it's worth not giving up after your first therapist
5:00 When people don't come back after the first session
7:00 The gym, the physio and the tennis metaphor
8:15 When you can explain it but can't feel it
9:15 Trying to fix an emotion
10:50 Working with high-achieving young people
13:30 When nobody checks in on the capable one
15:05 Perfectionism and the 95% finished assignment
17:30 Therapy bloopers
18:40 Working with perfectionism without fighting it
20:40 What is ISTDP?
22:05 Struggling to say no and tolerating disappointment
26:20 Being the perfect client in your own therapy
29:50 Functioning isn't the same as being well

Book an Appointment:

If something in this episode feels close to home and you'd like some support, you can book an appointment with Edy or one of the team at The Therapy Hub in Footscray: Book Here

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
About Edy Xie

Edy Xie is a psychologist who works with clients across a range of ages, including a lot of high-achieving young people and young adults. He works at The Therapy Hub in Footscray and has a particular interest in ISTDP, which he's experienced in his own therapy as well as using it with clients. Before psychology, Edy studied biomed and spent time working in cafes, chasing his childhood dream of being a chef.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
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Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You say yes before you've even thought about it. Later that night you're lying awake, going over it, annoyed at them and even more annoyed at yourself. You don't want to be the difficult one, so you keep saying yes and the resentment keeps building. In this episode I talk with author and coach Maryna Bilousova about people pleasing, resentment and the good girl conditioning that makes saying no feel impossible.

Things Discussed:
How childhood patterns show up in who we choose and how we react in adult relationships
Freud's iceberg and the part of the mind that runs things below our awareness
Why resentment so often comes back to boundaries and self worth
The good girl conditioning: behave, comply, never say no, never admit there's a problem
Why it's so hard to sit with someone else's disappointment
Why a boundary is your job to hold, not the other person's job to remember
The fence in the park and why boundaries create a sense of security
How behaviour gets co created between people, from gym classes to the friend who's always late
Why understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and how EMDR and hypnosis can help
The Gottman aftermath of a fight and a couple arguing over a leaky tap
Taking time for yourself as a parent, and what happens when mothers lose themselves in their kids
Practical ways to say no: pause, breathe, count to three, the superwoman pose and clear is kind

Timestamps:
0:00 Resentment and the patterns we can't explain
1:00 How Maryna came to this work through her own relationship
2:00 Freud's iceberg and the subconscious mind
3:30 When an adult relationship repeats a childhood dynamic
5:00 Resentment, boundaries and being the good girl
7:00 Why saying no feels so hard
8:00 The power of saying no
9:00 The fence in the park: boundaries as security
10:00 How behaviour gets co created
11:00 When old fears follow you to work
12:30 Understanding a pattern versus changing it
15:00 The Gottman aftermath of a fight and the leaky tap
18:30 What Maryna wishes she'd known as a young mum
21:00 Losing yourself in your kids
23:30 Learn to say no and trust your gut
25:00 The superwoman pose and clear is kind

Resources and Links:
Loving Without Losing Yourself by Maryna Bilousova: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GHSY27PG
Maryna Bilousova on Instagram, including her free discovery call: https://www.instagram.com/maryna_bilousova_official/
Relationship Reset: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
EMDR therapy at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/emdr/
Brené Brown, clear is kind: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/

Guest Info:
Maryna Bilousova is an author and coach who works with women stuck in emotionally confusing relationships. Her work brings together subconscious reprogramming, hypnotherapy and what she calls the revolutionary mindset. She's the author of Loving Without Losing Yourself and a mother of four, and she joined me from Germany. You can find Maryna on Instagram, where you can also book a free discovery call with her.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're the one everyone brings their problems to, at work, at home and everywhere in between.
By the time the day winds down you've held the school emails, the parent who needs a phone call, the clients and the health advice you keep meaning to follow, and you're not sure who gets to hold any of it for you. It's a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without saying so out loud.
Fi Mims, a business coach and photographer who has been running her own business for 23 years, joins me to talk about the load women carry at home and at work and who she actually calls when it all gets heavy.

Things Discussed:
What life looks like in the sandwich generation, with 17 year old twins, a business and two parents in aged care
Why the health messaging aimed at women over 40 can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever enough
How work can settle you when things are tense at home and what it takes to be fully present for someone else
The unspoken expectations about who carries the mental load and why workplaces and schools haven't caught up with families where both partners work
A fresh perspective on the trad wife movement and burnout
Who Fi talks to when things get heavy and why sharing the load with the right people matters
Using professional support alongside your inner circle
What Fi has learnt about listening in her marriage and with her teens, including calming down first, taking the other person's perspective and letting teenagers have their say
Why planning ahead and slowing down before you're forced to is worth the discomfort
Choosing deeper connection over the easy win of the couch

Timestamps:
2:00 Life in the sandwich generation
4:00 Hiking the Grampians with her son
7:00 Holding space for others while managing your own life
8:00 Being a woman in business and the unspoken load at home
10:00 Why work and school haven't caught up with working families
13:00 The trad wife movement and burnout
14:00 The pressure to get health right
16:00 Who you unload with when it all gets heavy
19:00 Using professional support when you need it
22:00 Communication and perspective taking in marriage
24:00 Parenting teens and learning to zip it
27:00 What Fi would say to anyone in this season
30:00 Slowing down, planning ahead and choosing deeper connection
33:00 Wrapping up and one thing to try

Resources and Links:

Work with Fi Mims: https://fimims.com/contact

Find Fi online:
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/fimims/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/fimimsphotography
LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/fi-mims-photography/

Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Ask me anything here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Guest Info:

Fi Mims is an award winning photographer and business coach who supports her clients to look and feel their best and lifts the visibility of their personal brands. Her photographs show clients as authentic, beautiful and powerful, and her coaching supports them to find self belief, confidence and purpose.
With over 20 years of experience behind her, Fi has navigated the many challenges facing modern women while building and maintaining a multiple six figure business. When she's not working she's dreaming up new holiday adventures, getting through the pile of books next to her bed, enjoying a good boogie and never refusing a glass of champagne.

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie:
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You still say I love you before bed. You still sit next to each other on the couch most nights. Nothing bad has happened, no big fight, no betrayal, and somewhere along the way you stopped feeling like you actually know this person.
This episode looks at three reasons emotional intimacy fades in long term relationships, even when nothing has gone wrong, and what you can actually do about it this week.

Things Discussed:
What bids for connection are, and why missing them slowly creates distance
The Gottman research on why relationships more often end in a slow drift than one big blow up
Why spending time together is not the same as quality time
The REV framework for listening: reflect, empathically attune, validate
The still face experiment, and why a blank face can feel threatening
Why couples stop updating each other, and how to start again
Specific open ended questions to try with your partner this week

Timestamps:
2:00 Why emotional distance builds without one clear cause
3:00 Bids for connection, explained
5:00 The Gottman research on what keeps couples together
7:00 Why time together is not the same as quality time
9:00 The problem with yes or no questions
11:00 REV: reflect, empathically attune, validate
14:00 The still face experiment
15:00 The third reason couples drift apart
18:00 Questions to try with your partner this week
20:00 Small deposits, not one grand gesture

Resources and Links
Free open ended questions guide
Open ended questions https://marievakakis.com.au/open-ended-questions-for-couples/
Relationship Reset course
https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
Keep the Conversation Going
forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

Connect with Marie:
https://thetherapyhub.com.au/
https://marievakakis.com.au/
https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/

Submit a question to the Podcast
https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud.
Things Discussed
The difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you need
What actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxiety
Sexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually chose
Why one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejection
The vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflict
How to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fight
Why nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us

Timestamps
0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy
2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby
5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers
8:00 What actually brings people through the door
13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need
14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for
17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection
23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her
Resources and Links
Tania Wellby
https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania
Free sex and intimacy guide
https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/
Keep the Conversation Going
forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Guest Info
Tania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.