ADHD Mums

You’re sitting in a meeting thinking you’re here to talk about support.
There’s a plan. There are ‘adjustments’.
And yet your child is still escalating… and suddenly the school is hinting at removal, reduced hours, or ‘this isn’t the right setting’.
This episode is the practical middle bit no one gives you:
When a plan exists, but it’s either the wrong plan — or it’s not actually being applied.
WHY THIS MATTERS
When a school says ‘the plan isn’t working’, it often gets translated as ‘your child is the problem’.
But plans fail for predictable reasons:
they’re too big and unworkable in a class of 28
no one is actually implementing them consistently
teachers don’t understand the ‘why’ behind the strategies
the plan ignores language processing, sensory load, or demand avoidance
there’s no review cycle, no accountability, no data, just documentation
the teacher doesn't have the capacity to implement the plan in the classroom due to numbers and workload.

And when the plan becomes a ‘set and forget’ document, you get stuck in a dangerous loop:
‘We tried everything’ → escalation continues → the child gets labelled → exclusion gets normalised.
WHAT WE COVER
Why an IEP is a start, not a manual
How ‘too many strategies at once’ makes a plan fail fast
What to ask when the school says ‘we’ve tried everything’
How to check if staff actually understand what’s on the plan
Why ‘accommodation’ can trigger teacher resistance — and how ‘considerations’ changes the tone
The missing piece in most behaviour plans: language processing and communication load
How literal thinking, vague instructions, and high language demand can create ‘refusal’ and shutdown
How to build accountability into the plan (review dates, outcomes, roles, communication method)
Red flags that the school has decided your child is ‘too hard’
Green flags that the team is still in curiosity, collaboration, and problem-solving
Orchid vs dandelion kids: when pushing through builds resilience, and when it becomes trauma

THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF…
your child has a plan at school but behaviour is still escalating
you keep hearing ‘we’re doing everything’ but nothing changes
the teacher looks overwhelmed and the plan feels impossible in real life

There is a moment in some school meetings where the language changes.
You walk in expecting support. Adjustments. Solutions.
But then different words start appearing.
‘Safety.’
‘Impact on others.’
‘Capacity.’
‘We’ve tried everything.’
And you can feel the shift before you fully understand it.
You start thinking:
How did this go from help… to risk?
WHY THIS MATTERS
ADHD mums are already carrying invisible labour, school advocacy, therapy coordination, and the emotional regulation of the entire household.
So when a school meeting shifts tone, it doesn’t land as ‘this is complex.’
It lands as threat.
Threat that your child is being positioned as the problem.
Threat that you’re about to be performance-managed as a parent.
Threat that exclusion is quietly being prepared.
And once the language moves from support to safety, your nervous system knows what’s coming — even if no one has said it yet.
This episode unpacks that shift.
What it actually means.
And what you can do before the door quietly closes.
WHAT WE COVER
The early signs a school is moving from inclusion to managing out
How ‘we’ve tried everything’ often means the plan was never implemented properly
Why perceived defiance and PDA profiles trigger exclusion faster than quiet masking
What ‘regulated and choosing it’ misunderstands about neurodivergent distress
The difference between documentation for support and documentation for removal
How modified timetables, wellbeing days, and shortened hours become informal exclusion
What to ask for when supports ‘aren’t working’
How to request IEP reviews, fidelity checks, and functional behaviour assessments
Why building your own paper trail (including positives) matters

THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF…
You’ve left a school meeting feeling blindsided
You’re getting more ‘pick up’ calls and reduced hours
Your child is being described as ‘defiant’ rather than overwhelmed
You’re hearing leadership speak more than classroom teachers
You’re scared you’re about to lose your child’s placement
You’re trying to advocate without burning the entire system down

RELATED ADHD MUMS EPISODES
🎧 SCHOOL SERIES: When School Stops Feeling Safe
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-19-when-school-stops-being-safe/
🎧 SCHOOL SERIES: Your Child Isn’t ‘Acting Out’ — They’re Burning Out

You’re not lying on the couch saying ‘poor me.’
You’re functioning. Packing lunches. Showing up. Holding it together.
But quietly, inside, you’ve started believing:
‘This is just how it is for me.’
WHY THIS MATTERS
ADHD mums carry more correction, more visible mistakes, more invisible labour, more system friction.
So when something goes wrong, it doesn’t land as ‘that was hard.’
It lands as proof.
Proof you’re behind.
Proof you’re failing.
Proof this is who you are.
And once shame becomes the explanation, your brain stops looking for options.
Not because you don’t want change.
Because the load is already too high.
WHAT WE COVER
The difference between a victim moment and a victim identity
Why ADHD conditioning makes shame feel factual
How ‘nothing works in our house anyway’ protects you from hope
The motherhood shame loop that quietly shrinks your life
Why waiting for fairness before you move will keep costing you
Responsibility without blame — and why that matters
The one question that reopens possibility without forcing action

THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF…
You’ve stopped trying in one area because failing again feels unbearable
You feel resentful but also guilty for feeling resentful
You avoid things before they even go wrong
You tell yourself you’re ‘just bad at this stage’
Being validated feels relieving… but nothing changes afterwards

RELATED ADHD MUMS EPISODES
🎧 Hidden Cost of Being The Good Girl
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/goodgirlcost/
🎧 When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/
🎧 The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/
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This episode is for ADHD mums who feel like they’re living inside a nervous system experiment.
The kind where everything is technically ‘fine’… until the TV is on, someone’s making mouth noises, a child is asking 400 questions, another one is humming, and your body is trying to exit the situation through the nearest wall.
We talk a lot about overstimulation like it’s a personal flaw. Like you should be calmer. More patient. Better regulated. But what if you’re not failing at regulation… you’re just carrying too much regulation load?
In this conversation with Rachel Few, we get painfully practical about what actually helps when you’re at the edge. Not in an ideal world. In a real ADHD household, with real kids, real noise, real time pressure, and real limits.
WHAT WE COVER
– Why overstimulation is not a single moment, but a build-up across days
– The ‘therapy taxi’ burnout cycle and how it dysregulates the whole family
– Why regulation strategies fail when they become another to-do list
– Nervous system mapping: learning your early warning signs before the snap
– ‘Recipe building’ for families: planning around needs, not just appointments
– Why yelling and snapping usually starts earlier than you think
– PDA-aware approaches: when direct help makes things worse
– Side-step regulation tools that don’t rely on compliance
– Real-life resets (including the candle trick, which sounds unhinged until you try it)
– Why acceptance is sometimes the missing strategy, not another technique
THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF…
– you feel overstimulated before 7am and then blame yourself for it
– your household escalates fast and you don’t know where it starts
– you’re carrying the clean-up after every meltdown (emotional or literal)
– you’re exhausted from scanning for hunger, sensory triggers, and ‘what could go wrong’
– you’re parenting a PDA-ish child and standard advice backfires
– you keep thinking ‘once we get the right support, it will all be fine’ and then it isn’t
– you want tools that actually work when you’re already at your limit
RELATED EPISODES
Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-63-surviving-the-mental-load-of-the-school-year/
When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/
The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/
RESOURCES & REFERENCES
– For more information on Rachel Few - see here
-PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) is mentioned in the episode
– Maternal mental health research is referenced (mum’s mental health as a key predictor for child wellbeing)
LISTENER QUESTIONS & COMMUNITY
Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)
If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.
https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864
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This episode is for ADHD mums who have ever sat in a car park before an assessment and felt their whole nervous system start negotiating with the evidence.
Because the paperwork looks fine.
The report cards look fine.
Your life looks fine.
And you’re standing there knowing that ‘fine’ is exactly what disqualifies you.
This is the ADHD myth as it actually lands. Not as a hot take online — but as a private internal audit that starts the second you consider asking for help.
It’s the voice that says: ‘Everyone says they have ADHD now, don’t they?’
And the way your body believes it before you even get to answer back.
WHAT WE COVER
– The ‘good school report’ trap and why it makes women doubt themselves
– Why visible competence is often just quiet compensation
– How anxiety, eating disorders, burnout and depression get missed when you’re not disruptive
– The internal investigation ADHD mums run before they ever ask for help
– Why ‘you’ve managed this long’ lands as dismissal, not reassurance
– How vigilance gets trained in childhood and then masquerades as personality
– Why gender shifts the cost of impulsivity, mistakes, and social timing
– How hypervigilance becomes the price of belonging
– Why motherhood doesn’t create the load, it exposes it
– The difference between being tired and constantly compensating
– How media narratives about ADHD being a ‘trend’ reinforce silence and shame
THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF…
– you have ‘good’ school reports and still feel like you’re drowning
– you rehearse what to say before appointments so you don’t sound ‘dramatic’
– you minimise automatically and tell yourself other people have it worse
– you’ve been called controlling when you’re actually doing risk management
– you feel embarrassed even seeking an assessment
– you relate to being ‘a pleasure to have in class’ while quietly falling apart
– you’ve carried the mental load for years and only now it’s breaking through
RELATED EPISODES
You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible (Partners)
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible/
The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/
RESOURCES & REFERENCES
– ADHD in women and girls: internalising presentations and delayed identification
– Burnout, anxiety and depression as common outcomes of long-term compensation
– The impact of social conditioning and gender expectations on symptom visibility
LISTENER QUESTIONS & COMMUNITY
Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)
Send me a WhatsApp voice message here:
https://wa.me/61403457313
If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.