Beneath the Behavior: Supporting Neurodivergent Kids With Science, Not Shame

Co-regulation is one of those parenting terms that gets repeated often—but rarely explained in a way that actually helps in real moments.
If you’ve ever stayed calm during your child’s meltdown and wondered why it didn’t seem to help, or felt pressure to “be regulated enough” to fix the situation, this episode is for you.
In this episode, Dr. Mark Bowers explains what co-regulation actually is from a nervous system perspective—and just as importantly, what it isn’t. You’ll learn why co-regulation isn’t about calming your child down, stopping meltdowns, or being perfectly composed, and why it often looks quieter, slower, and less obvious than parents expect.
This conversation breaks down how co-regulation works biologically, why it takes time, how boundaries and co-regulation can exist together, and what signs to look for when regulation is happening beneath the surface. Dr. Bowers also shares practical ways to co-regulate in the middle of hard moments, using fewer words, more predictability, and steadiness instead of pressure.
If co-regulation has ever felt confusing, overwhelming, or like another impossible standard, this episode offers relief, clarity, and a more realistic way to understand your role in supporting your child’s nervous system.
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Support the show
Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.
The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.
If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

Transitions can turn everyday moments into major struggles for neurodivergent kids—and for the adults trying to support them.
If your child melts down when it’s time to turn off screens, leave the playground, start homework, get in the car, or go to bed, even after warnings and preparation, this episode explains why.
In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers breaks down what’s really happening during transitions from a nervous system perspective. You’ll learn why transitions feel like “events” rather than small moments for many neurodivergent kids, why five-minute warnings often make things worse instead of better, and how stopping one activity and starting another create a double load on the brain.
Instead of focusing on compliance or speed, this conversation shifts the goal to regulation. Dr. Bowers walks through practical, realistic ways to support transitions that reduce pressure, lower nervous system threat, and help kids move through change with more support and less conflict.
If transitions are one of the hardest parts of your day, this episode will help you feel less alone—and better equipped to understand what your child’s behavior is really communicating.
Let Us Know What You Think!
Support the show
Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.
The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.
If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

“We’ve tried everything, and nothing sticks.”
If that thought feels familiar, this episode is for you.
In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains why so much mainstream parenting advice fails neurodivergent kids — and why that failure is not a reflection of your effort, consistency, or love.
Most popular strategies are built on hidden assumptions about motivation, regulation, and capacity. When a child doesn’t meet those assumptions, the strategies don’t just fall flat. They often make things worse. More meltdowns. More refusal. More shutdowns. And more parents blaming themselves.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
The assumptions most parenting advice is built on — and why they don’t fit many neurodivergent kids
Why sticker charts, consequences, and “just be consistent” often backfire
The difference between motivation problems and capacity problems
Why trying harder usually makes parents more exhausted, not more effective
What questions actually lead to calmer homes and stronger relationships
This episode is about cognitive clarity. It’s about understanding that you didn’t fail the strategy — the strategy failed to account for your child’s nervous system.
Because it’s not that you did it wrong.
 It was never designed for your child.
If you’re looking for parenting support that’s rooted in science, not shame — and guidance that actually fits neurodivergent kids — you’re in the right place.
Let Us Know What You Think!
Support the show
Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.
The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.
If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

Meltdowns. Refusal. Shutdowns.
If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, these moments can feel confusing, exhausting, and deeply personal.
In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers teaches one foundational reframe that can change how you see your child and how you respond in hard moments:
All behavior is communication.
Instead of viewing behavior as defiance, manipulation, or “bad choices,” we slow down and look at what your child’s nervous system may be trying to tell you. You’ll learn why kids often lose access to words when they’re overwhelmed, what meltdowns and shutdowns are really signaling, and why refusal is usually a capacity problem, not a character problem.
This episode breaks down:
The difference between tantrums and meltdowns
Why “use your words” doesn’t work when a child is dysregulated
What refusal, avoidance, and shutdowns are often communicating
How to respond in the moment without escalating fear or shame
What to say after the storm passes to build real skills
If you’ve ever thought, “They know better” or “Why are they doing this?” — this episode offers a clearer, kinder explanation that actually helps.
Because your child isn’t giving you a hard time.
They’re having a hard time.
And learning to read that message changes everything.
Let Us Know What You Think!
Support the show
Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.
The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.
If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your child is being defiant — or felt guilty about how you’ve responded — this episode is for you.
Many parents of neurodivergent kids are told (directly or indirectly) that their child won’t behave, won’t listen, or won’t try. Over time, that story can lead to stricter discipline, more punishment, and a lot of shame — even when nothing seems to help.
In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers offers a different framework, rooted in neuroscience and compassion:
Kids will do well when they can.
You’ll learn:
Why “defiance” is often a misunderstanding, not a character issue
How lagging skills show up as refusal, arguing, shutdowns, or explosions
Why punishment backfires when behavior is driven by skill gaps
How to shift from control and power struggles to problem-solving
What to ask instead of “Why won’t my child listen?”
This conversation doesn’t dismiss boundaries or safety. Instead, it separates support in the moment from skill-building over time, so real change becomes possible.
If you’ve been carrying guilt, frustration, or fear about your child’s behavior, this episode offers relief — and a more accurate way to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface.
Let Us Know What You Think!
Support the show
Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.
The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.
If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.