Vanity Project

• Episode 9: Role Models Inc.; or, A Gentleman Doesn’t Sing and Tell

  1.    EXT/INT.   LENIN SHIPYARD.   BLOOD RED SKY   WE OPEN on a woman, HELEN (36), beautiful, fairylike yet somehow regal, speaking into a microphone.   HELEN This episode is all about film!   FRANCIS I shall speak only of dogs.   ROSS I, too, shall speak of dogs but also of role models and curated obituary delivery as a service. I might briefly mention David Michôd if you are lucky.   CINNAMON I shall sing of dogs.   HELEN This episode was all about film!   FADE OUT

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  25:13
• Episode 8: Lolito; or, Private Eyes are Apple Watching You

  Meatloaf assures us that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, but can he be trusted? Neither Uber nor those responsible for the Net Promoter Score seem to think so, with the former suggesting that anything under 4.7 out of 5 is not good, and the latter refusing to even count anything under an 8 out of 10. Let’s see, that gives us a common denominator of 30 but, ugh, there’s also a decimal point in the mix, so ... 361 out of 450 ain’t, according to the average, bad. That’s 2.40667 out of 3, or 8.0222 out of 10.* Therefore, we can reliably infer that the Net Promoter Score people's decision was in no way arbitrary; rather, it stems from the utmost statistical rigour, derived as it so clearly was from the mean of the two figures originally proffered by Meatloaf and Uber. Oh, but then there’s also Beautiful Fairy Princess, who reckons that anything over 16 is good to go, so who knows. *My sincere thanks to the toddler at Fairfield Station for his assistance with these conversions

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  38:00
• Episode 7: Kentucky Fried Chatham House Rule; or, To All the Things We’ve Loathed Before

  Hopped up on Quartiers d'Orange and sundry other entremets from the local footy, Beautiful Fairy Princess seeks routine from a smartwatch in the lead-up to the Masters Games. Will she, like Captain Handsome before her, someday achieve a general equilibrium in her dynamically stochastic lifestyle? Is that how one constructs a question in order to shoehorn in an extremely convoluted and disputably humorous reference to New Keynesian macroeconomic theory in the hopes of eliciting a self-satisfied half-smirk of recognition from a handful of wonks? As our hosts have bilaterally imposed a mandatory opinion lockdown, I am not at liberty to comment, so let us just assume that our information is symmetric. (Another one! Ahh, classic Bitsy.)

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  28:42
• Episode 6: Funky Science Patina; or, Thrown Into Denim Relief

  Set your intention to stunned as Captain Handsome goes in search of lost pills, including one which promises to catapult him to the ultimate stage of evolution by transforming him into a being of pure energy within Virtual Space Industries’ mainframe and connecting him to all the world's computer systems, which would presumably be helpful for his internet-making job. Meanwhile, Beautiful Fairy Princess—armed only with a basket of symptoms, and unwisely rockin’ Rolla’s—bravely does battle with a printworm, a faulty toilet, the integral state, scientism, and a pigeon couple. Will it be enough to save us all from the tyranny of Thought Leaders? Do we need an ethnography of LinkedIn? Are Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Elisabeth Shue and Elizabeth Berkley all the same person? Is the real spark-based economy the friends we made along the way? Tune in to find out!

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  31:49
• Episode 5: Pirate Coles Radio; or, This Is 36

  What to say about Bossy Rossy this week? That he’s for incentives? Sure. That he’s against negotiation, particularly with himself? Clearly. That he causes arousal in weirdos? Apparently. That he’s driven away his personal trainer? I mean … it does kind of sound like that might be the case, yeah. Which is sad.But what of [insert topical rhyming name here] Helen? Is she, like Jacques Lacan, every woman? Perhaps. Will she ever fulfil her destiny by killing Brené Brown? Doubtful. Did she clear any of the music that she plays in this episode? Reply hazy; try again. Has she unwittingly recreated an iconic Mr Show sketch by asking listeners to email her in response to episodes recorded weeks in advance? Write to her and find out!

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  36:57

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