Vanity Project

• Episode 16: Pane di Covid; or, What to Expect When You’re Unhinging

  With the reciprocal intervention orders from The Tiff still in effect, they’ve gone remote again this week. The sound is always shitty over Riverside—as I believe Captain Handsome’s favourite band Travis sang—but whaddaya gonna do? Run it through some magic AI thingy that makes both hosts sound like the Theranos lady? Ugh, these two weirdos would probably love that. No, you put it in the episode description like a puddle of wee to rub their noses in and teach them a lesson, that’s what. Anyway, in case you can’t make it out, they talked about these things: Substacking well You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it’ll always be Burma to Ross The burgeoning Voluntary Quarantine Movement Essential workers never did get that raise we all said they should, huh Windexing one’s apples, so to speak Burgess, the patron saint of shut-ins Blooze lawyers bought all the guitars Thatcher? I hardly know her! Hitch-33⅓: The Final Insult Fuggen A. Hayek: because prices, not podcasts, communicate information Sigmund and his day-bed made of snow Polanyi: because maybe prices don’t so much communicate information as obscure it The burgeoning Planned Geriatric Intemperance Movement Hamm!

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• Episode 15: Helen–Gary Helen–Ross; or, Subtext Is for Closers

  This week, Beautiful Fairy Princess and Captain Handsome—back together after what Page Six has labelled The Tiff—are joined by a mystery guest! Who could it be? Is there perhaps an unnecessarily cryptic set of clues, including the name of this episode combined with the fact that said guest’s stories are accompanied by post-production sound effects, that could potentially lead one to deduce the name? Yes! Might it be less annoying to simply listen to the episode instead? Possibly, but be warned, they’ll be talking about these things: • Legally blind: not as simple and finite as the rules of haircare • How to Ruin a Seeing Eye Dog in 10 Days • Paging Dr Buñuel! • There’s a fraction too much fiction/How about NGO • Keffiyeh or keffinah? • Disabled seating: from my cold, dead arse • A lunatic, mountain-climbin’, pipe-smokin’, communist doctor from New Zealand • Like a diamond in the sky, how I wonder/Blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind • Just imagine how fast the colonies would have federated if Henry Parkes had whipped out some maracas • Don’t mention the pope • Napoleon: Bigger, Longer & Uncut • Eggs • No, that’s the wrong list, Siri • Open shopping list • Hey Siri, open shopping list • Goddammit, Siri

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• Episode 14: Glory Hatch; or, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a 99.4-odd Batting Average

  Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your vegan sandals ’cause it’s hot out there today! It’s hot out there every day; what is this, the Jagajaga Federal Electorate? Not hardly, but it is the perfect time for both frozen gazpacho and blue-ballsing some ASMR weirdos with an empty promise of eating noises. Also, Dr Tom Heenan takes time out from his busy private posthumous psychiatric practice to excise a stupid expression or two, espouse the virtues of bullshit, and rubbish Tidy Towns!

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• Episode 13: Consumer Affairs’ Most Wanted; or, Apnoeite for Reconstruction

  No man is an island, even Captain Handsome, who recently returned from an island and would now very much like to be one but has instead settled for erecting a set of boundaries around himself as though he were a patch of arable land in fifteenth-century England. (Those guys said that it was ‘necessary’ for ‘improvement’ too, you know.) Also wrongly, Beautiful Fairy Princess criticises the term ‘lived experience’ for implying its opposite, and postgraduate education for being pointless, before questioning the universal appeal of equine-human–human relationships, which makes it all the more painful to know that she will never read my forthcoming postdoctoral thesis, ’Stable for Two: A Speculative Autoethnographic Study of My Alternate Life Spent Brushing Glorious Horselady Andrea Savage’.Plus:• Reading with one’s eyes makes an unexpected comeback• The nascent anti-generativity movement• Hitchslappers™: gloves for patting Ross’ dog• The CPAP machine-based economy• Sleep vs. sex, and if you quote the Old El Paso ad I’m calling the police• The ongoing crisis of sext response times• Substacking it in• Decrease your word power today!• Yah, yah, Pendah Mawt• My brother knows a guy who knows Belle Gibson

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• Episode 12: You’ve Gotta Be Judicious With Lube; or, Kill the John Butler in Your Head With the Knife He Forged

  Finally back in Captain Handsome’s home office/studio/Idi Amin shrine after two weeks spent hitting, smashing, beckoning, summoning, upsizing, vaccinating, and otherwising, our intrepid hosts are fresh out of Gs and have never felt more amazin’ (that could just be the argon leak, though). Plus, all of these self-explanatory things: • White Lotus Country for an Old Man • The Further Adventures of Lumpy Floatum • Are you down with BFP’s BCC? • You like palanquin and I like sedan chair (let’s call the whole thing off) • Parker Posey? Can’t lose! • Dux of CliffNotes College • The taintal twinge of terrible tunes (ft. Tim Rogers and Ollie Olsen) • Misappropriating cultural appropriation • ‘Futurebob’ • Spooky Holes, Part 1 of 37 • The frogurt is still cursed (that’s bad) • Quirky hotel criticism: the last refuge of the antidentite

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