Behind The Smile with Ash Butterss

My guest this week is Tully Johns, a Melbourne based health coach who spent close to fifteen years working as a zookeeper before turning to helping people. For most of three decades, Tully carried the effects of childhood sexual abuse without a name for it, showing up instead as depression, anxiety, and eventually a PTSD diagnosis. It was only in his forties, after his brother came forward with his own memories and pursued a case against their father, that Tully began to understand what he himself had survived.

In this conversation, Tully shares what it was like to process decades of trauma later in life, the stretch of days he could not get out of bed that became his turning point, and the small, unglamorous practices that slowly rebuilt his life from the ground up. He and Ash talk about connection, letting people in, and what it means to parent well after having none of that modelled for you. This is a tender and deeply honest conversation about healing on your own timeline and choosing, every day, not to be defined by what happened to you.

Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, please listen with care. Support services have been included in the episode show notes.

Episode chapters:
00:00 Introducing Tully Johns
06:33 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile
07:00 Discovering the Abuse: A Four Year Old's Burden
14:11 His Brother's Case and the Public Fallout
18:13 Forty Years to Process What Happened
26:03 Finding Escape and Purpose Through Animals
32:05 The Catabasis: Hitting a Wall as a Stay at Home Dad
36:17 The Fake Smile That Started the Rebuild
38:16 One Word Journaling and Small Daily Wins
40:58 Movement as Medicine
45:57 Self Compassion Alongside Discipline
49:06 Reparenting the Four Year Old Within
53:01 Why Connection Changes Everything
01:00:40 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Connect with Tully using the links below:

Rebuild Body & Mind with Tully: https://www.skool.com/rebuild-with-tully-5411/about
tullyjohns.com
Recovering From Childhood Trauma - How I got my life back: https://youtu.be/r0BwXJvU59Q
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tullyjohns/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581593417290
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@tullyjohns

Support Services
If this episode has brought anything up for you, support is available:

Blue Knot Helpline provides specialist support for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse. Call 1300 657 380.
1800RESPECT provides free, confidential counselling and support for anyone impacted by sexual violence. Call 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Bravehearts provides information and support relating specifically to child sexual abuse. Call 1800 272 831, Monday to Friday, 8:30am to 4:30pm AEST.
Lifeline provides crisis support 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Call 13 11 14.

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats
The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027
Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more information

Follow and connect with Ash on:
⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss
TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb
Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com
Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Suzi Raleigh, a recovery advocate and budding author who is now 32 years sober. Suzi started drinking at 13, was misdiagnosed for years with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and survived multiple psychiatric hospitalisations and several near death experiences before her father encouraged her to try 12 Step Recovery in 1993. She has not had a drink since.

In this conversation, Suzi shares what it was like to live with a loneliness she calls the ache, the moment her drinking finally stopped being explained away by mental illness, and how discovering codependency twelve years into sobriety changed the entire trajectory of her recovery. She and Ash explore what it really means to be a recovering rescuer, the boundaries work that continues decades in, and the unique approach Suzi now teaches through her upcoming book, naming, taming and nurturing the different inner personalities that drive addiction and codependency. It is a warm, funny and wise conversation about what it looks like to keep growing long after the drinking stops.

Episode chapters:
00:00 Introducing Suzi Raleigh
06:09 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile
07:25 Growing Up in a Pub and the First Drink at Thirteen
10:19 The Ache: Naming the Loneliness Underneath
12:04 The First Hospitalisation and Years of Misdiagnosis
23:04 Her Father's Suggestion and the First AA Meeting
25:01 What the First Twelve Months of Sobriety Looked Like
27:06 Becoming a Recovering Rescuer
28:48 Discovering Codependency at Twelve Years Sober
30:11 High Functioning Codependency and the Auto-Fix Reflex
37:21 Marrying a Man Twenty Years Sober and Growing Together
42:57 Naming the Inner Characters: Suzy the Floozy and Beyond
01:00:39 Reclaiming Little Tootie and Becoming Her Own Best Friend
01:05:25 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

You can connect with Suzi on her Tik Tok or reach out via email - suzilr6@gmail.com

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats
The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027
Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more information

Follow and connect with Ash on:
⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss
TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb
Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com
Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Support Services
If this conversation has brought anything up for you, please know you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is always available. You can reach out to Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 for mental health support and guidance, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 for free counselling.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Katrina Loewe, a mum of three boys who lived 47 years in internal chaos before a spiritual awakening turned her life around. On the outside, Katrina had everything, a beautiful family, a beautiful home, and a life many would envy. On the inside, she was drowning in perfectionism, shame she had carried since her teens, and a growing disconnection from herself that eventually led her through four hospitalisations in the space of nine and a half weeks.

Katrina shares what it was like to hit a point where nothing external could fix her anymore, the moment she finally reached out for real help, and how meditation, connection, and a complete willingness to change gave her a life she had never known was possible. She talks openly about perfectionism, people pleasing, the shame of being away from her children while seeking treatment, and what it means to finally feel at peace in your own life.

This is a moving conversation about what transformation can look like when it has nothing to do with rock bottom in the traditional sense, and everything to do with finally coming home to yourself.

Episode chapters:
00:00 Introducing Katrina Loewe
05:14 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile
08:52 A Wholesome Childhood and the First Signs of Not Fitting In
13:14 A Difficult Family Holiday and Years of Carrying Shame
26:20 Becoming a Stepmum, IVF, and Chasing "I'll Be Happy When"
30:52 Suffocating Behind a Perfect Life
33:22 Losing Her Father and the Grief She Never Processed
36:43 The Trip Around Australia and the Start of the Unravelling
38:04 When Drinking Crept In
40:53 Four Hospitals in Nine and a Half Weeks
46:13 The Instagram Post That Changed Everything
51:20 What Her Relationship with Alcohol Looks Like Today
57:19 Releasing the Shame and Living Without Apology
01:00:16 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:
The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Upcoming Retreats:
The Embodied Woman | Gold Coast | April 21 - 25, 2027
A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027
Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more details!

Follow and connect with Ash on:
⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss
TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb
Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com
Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fresh from running her retreat in Bali, Ash is back with another solo episode exploring why so many of us feel disconnected from ourselves, and how a simple daily spiritual practice can help us step off the hamster wheel and come back to what truly matters. Inspired from the practices she was sharing on retreat, Ash shares what sadhana really means, the difference between filling your life with more things to do and creating practices that genuinely support you, and how meditation, pranayama, breathwork, yoga and stillness can become part of your everyday life.

Ash also takes you behind the scenes of the retreat, from temple visits and Agni Hotra to kirtan, floating sound healing, sauna, cold plunges and the power of sisterhood. She reflects on how sobriety and recovery opened the door to a life she once could not have imagined, and why she now considers facilitating retreats her dream job.
This episode is for anyone who feels exhausted from constantly doing, achieving or performing, yet still feels as though something is missing. You do not need to attend a retreat or completely overhaul your life to begin. Transformation can start with ten quiet minutes, one honest question or a single practice that brings you back to yourself each day.

Ash also shares details of her upcoming retreats in Bali, Melbourne and the Gold Coast, including the newly announced A Sacred Return retreat in 2027.

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:
The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on:
⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss
TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb
Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com
Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Sanjay, a father in recovery who has been sober for 21 years. Born in Uganda, raised in London and now living in Melbourne, Sanjay grew up watching his father drink before taking his own first drink at fifteen. He spent the next two decades chasing that initial feeling through alcohol, drugs and gambling, while his life quietly unravelled behind the scenes.
In this conversation, Sanjay shares the unexpected moment a psychiatrist broke through every wall he had built, what it took to finally surrender, and why getting sober was only the beginning. He opens up about losing his father to alcoholism, navigating divorce without returning to old behaviours, and the role yoga and spirituality have played in helping him continue to grow.
But the real secret to Sanjay’s 21 years of sobriety has been getting out of himself. Through service, connection and giving back to the recovery community, he has found a sense of purpose that has carried him through every season of life. This is a warm and honest conversation about why sobriety cannot be sustained in isolation, and how helping others may be one of the most powerful ways we help ourselves.

Episode chapters:
00:08 Introducing Sanjay
04:39 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in London
07:48 Growing Up: A Father's Drinking and Life on Eggshells
10:49 A Refugee Identity and the Feeling of Not Belonging
13:07 The First Drink at Fifteen and Why He Loved It
17:15 Chasing the Feeling: Rave Culture, Drugs and Excess
19:37 When the Consequences Started to Show Up
23:57 Rock Bottom: Isolated, Broke and Calling Crisis Lines at 2am
26:22 The Health Insurance Letter and the Road to the Priory
29:02 The Psychiatrist Who Saw a Little Boy
31:06 Surrender Day: January 13, 2005
36:50 What Happened Inside the Priory
38:12 Building the Foundation: Big Book Recovery and Service
52:43 Whack-a-Mole: What Comes Up When You Put the Drink Down
56:47 Yoga, Chanting and the Practices That Quieten the Noise
59:35 What Recovery Looks Like 21 Years In

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:
The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on:
⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss
TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb
Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com
Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.